In interest of promoting better communication among OU students, I've decided to publish this following list of "English-to-Various Student Types" phrases. Study this column thoroughly or even make flash cards (Yes, Curt, that's your joke) to take with you when you go out.

We'll start with English-to-Freshman:

"I just got back from the dining hall" = "I'll be in the third stall if you need me."

"Are you going out tonight?" = "Are you going to the Greenery tonight?"

"What's going on tonight?" = "Are you going to the Greenery tonight?"

"This girl I'm talking to ..." = "This girl I bumped into (physically, I mean) at the Greenery ..."

"Yes-huh, 290-82-0000." = Response to "This isn't you."

"So what'd you do last night?" = "Do you really think I didn't hear you having sex in the bunk right above me, you idiot? This ain't Boogie Nights, pal."

Next we'll have English-to-TRIPS Man:

"The class you requested is full" = "Bang the phone on your forehead for a minute."

"All students registered in 12 hours or more are required to have health insurance ..." = "I'm going to spout useless information for a minute and a half while you stress out from trying to schedule and use the time to bang the phone on your forehead."

"The class you requested is full" (again) = "Now tear the scheduling book (or at least try, but then find that it's too thick, then just rip out one page) and chuck the phone across the room."

"You have added four hours of ..." = "You just added the most ridiculous class when you got pissed and just banged on the numbers ... also, you'll probably keep it because it's actually open."

"The class you requested is full" (yet again) = "I'm the leading cause of violence and suicide among OU students."

How 'bout a little English-to-Guy Talking to Cop:

"Yeah I had a couple beers." = "I've been drinking since this morning, sir."

"I'm just really tired." = "I'm too stupid-drunk to come up with a reasonable story."

"I'm not drunk; I live right over there ..." = "I can't believe I got this close to home, and you're going to arrest me now."

"That's Oregano." = "Oh, damn it."

"You can't do this; I know my rights!" = "I'm about to get myself a few additional charges in a minute."

English-to-Professor:

"I'll let you guys out a little early today." = "I might let you out on time for once today."

"Why don't you come in on the first day of class?" = "Of course I could give you a pink slip now, but it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining as making you get out of bed next quarter not sure of whether or not you'll get in and hoping you don't get dropped from the alternate class you scheduled while you're there talking to me."

"Why don't we meet somewhere other than this stuffy office?" = "I'm going to drag your ass to Perks in an effort to be cool."

"This will require a little bit of research." = "You're going to know exactly where every individual book in Alden is located and how many pages it contains when I get through with you."

English-to-OU Buildings:

"Bentley" = "6 degrees hotter than hell."

"RTVC" = "Elevator of death"

"Morton" = "You can skip this class, and the professor will never notice."

"Stocker" = "You probably shouldn't skip this class, but it's so far you may as well."

"Central Classroom Building" = "Although it's located just outside Nelsonville, we thought it would be funny to call this building 'central.'"

"Lindley" = "Mysteriously bigger on the inside than it is on the outside (much like the "pylons" on the old Saturday morning show Land of the Lost.)

Well, that's about it for Translation 101, kids. Tune in next time for more advanced translations, such as English-to-Steeler Fan, which shows how to interpret the jawed expressions of the god-like BiIl Cower; English-to-Politically Correct, which I won't be teaching, and "mb246295, a study of hate mail." Hopefully, with these basic translations, we'll better be able to communicate with our fellow students and make OU a better place to live and study and also to live.

Bruzzese-to-English translation: "Well, it's time to write another information-packed column, kids." = "This column will rot your brain worse than watching Family Matters repetitively for three years."