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So I'm not celebrating Valentine's Day this year. I know for those of you who read Reality Check, this might not come as a surprise because you remember me saying "I'm giving up dating." But my giving up dating has nothing to do with why I'm not celebrating V-Day. I could "hang out" with any number of friends from the opposite sex. I could make a phone call and get a date and spend money on dinner and dancing and candles and flowers and candy and romance and a bunch of other things I would never fully be appreciated for. But I'm starting a revolution, baby!
That's right, men, it's high time things change. It's the '90s. There are '90s Women out there and from now on, I move Valentine's Day changes it's name to Give Men What They Deserve Day.
From now on we:
want women to make phone calls to us. Let's see how gutsy you all are when it comes time to put your "manhood" on the line and ask somebody out who could easily change their mind because their friends don't think you're "hot enough."
want flowers, candy and jewelry. Or, the equivalent, which would entail: Sony Playstation, Nintendo 64 and all appropriate games. Such as the new hockey game where each player has their own "signature move." I don't mind spending money on girls and buying gifts for no reason. But, I've said this before: I want someone to buy me flowers. Change the rules. Maybe surprise us for a change for no reason. Show you care and spend money.
want to be asked out to a movie. But this time around, we're going to the new Bruce Willis action movie where he smokes, kills and gets into bed with two beautiful models. And if he dies at the end, you had better cry or we're telling all our friends how insensitive you are.
want to be taken out to dinner to an overly expensive restaurant. But, at our place, they don't sell salad or any meal that doesn't need a minimum of three plates and they don't let you leave until 80 percent of the meal is eaten. And we're not even going to offer to pay. So there.
want to receive cheesy cards that say stupid comments no person with any self respect would say, like, "I just saw a shooting star and I was thinking about you because you are my wish." But, instead, the card is going to say: "You're getting some tonight, so I hope you're ready to perform."
want to take you shopping in stores you have no business being in. But you still have to follow us around and when we show you the new Bruins jersey that doesn't go with anything we're wearing at the time, you're going to say, "You make that jersey look good," just to stay on our good side and try to get us out of the store as soon as possible. But it won't work because we're just going to try on more clothes and milk as many compliments from you as possible.
want to drive. Some things should never change. Except you will not nag us for driving too fast, tell us where to turn or even touch the radio. And we're not listening to the Titanic soundtrack or Sarah McLachlan.
are going to have you spend disgusting amounts of money on dinner, movie, drinks on us and the entire time lead you into thinking we are really interested and attracted to you and that you might be able to stay over. And then at the bar we are going to ask if it's OK if we just "go home with our roommates because they're leaving now," leaving you at the bar by yourself.
will pretend like we don't notice the total hottie at the end of the bar who, subsequently, has a much better body than you and probably has the intelligence God intended for bubble gum. But the entire time we are going to wish they would talk to us instead of you. Loser.
are going to pout if we don't get to do what we want. Even though when asked what we wanted to do we are going to reply, "Whatever you want," which is just our way of saying, "you should know what I want to do by now. We're sleeping together, so maybe we should stop until we know each other better."
are hogging the bed, the covers and the phone to make long-distance phone calls to our mother's when you're ready to have sex.
are going to give you the dirtiest looks and pout like a two-year-old if you do not give us enough attention in any public place. But when we're alone in a room we are going to ignore you. So there.
are turning completely psycho on you for no reason. We are going to tell you we don't want a relationship, but then, out of nowhere we are going to start reporting every move you make especially what the hell you were doing talking with that slut with the fake boobs ... or fake something.
So let's start the revolution. Maybe it won't last. I'll admit, I'll never be able to let a date pay for anything, but maybe there are some things we cannot let go of. Until that century, have a safe, productive Valentine's Day and remember something my grandfather once said: "It's all a crock. Run. Run as fast as you can."
Whidden is a psycho and can be reached at tyler@witty.com. Reality Check appears on Wednesdays.
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