Columnist's note: This column is about sex. Therefore, due to it's nature of demoralizing and demeaning what the good Lord invented for pro-creation, it has an NC-17 rating ... but, we won't tell if you won't. TJCW

"Oh, God, please. Let it stay heavy if not hard."

- Richard Pryor

I am The World's Greatest Lover. I could have sex for seven straight days and never suffer from exhaustion. I make the earth rattle, mountains crumble and the sun weep. I am Casanova '99.

"But, Tyler, how can you be so sure that you are the greatest lover of all time?"

Because I am American. That's right gentlemen of this great nation, take a bow. High fives all the way around, we are the pimps of the world. According to a recent issue of Maxim magazine, ("Cosmo for men". We mean real men. Men who find the humor in farting and think the St. Pauli Girl is the most perfect creation since the "previous channel" button.), American men have tested through the roof as far as lovemaking goes.

According to the magazine, a poll was taken by 10,000 people from across the world to judge which country could boast the best lovers. Their way of judging such a remarkable feat was to compare the length of time it took for men of certain nationalities to finally realize they're having sex and can no longer control their functions.

American men rated first with a respectable 28 minutes before rolling their eyes to the back of their heads. (Reality Check would like to note we rounded the numbers to the nearest thing we could remember from reading the article last night on the crapper.) Second place went to my brethren to the north, Canadians, who, by average, close the deal in 22 minutes, respectively.

"But, Tyler, I was always told French and Italians were the world's best lovers."

Sure, if you like high school virgins. Pierre and Mario, by average, can only contain themselves between 14 and 17 minutes, not so respectively. Sure they have culture, but do they know they must wait for the women first? Doesn't look like it, does it?

All I want to know is which of you guys is bringing down the average? The way I figure it, since both my parents are Canadian, and I was born in America that means I can go for as long as (22 X 2 + 28, carry the 1 ... ) 72 minutes. I haven't, but by my own Law of Averages, it's possible.

"But, Tyler, as a girl, I can tell you that sometimes, I don't like being physically intimate for long periods of time."

What?

"It's true. Sometimes, it hurts."

What do you mean?

"Sometimes, it's boring after a while and we're never sure when you're going to be finished and we can't really sustain 'interest' for that long."

Ahhh!! According to my friend Melissa, who is engaged to my friend Sean, who suffers from the same problem I have: CNS (Constant Need for Sex) girls sometimes "like quickie sex." You can imagine the horror that took over my face when learning that all I had worked for from my early teenage years has gone to waste.

Maybe women don't realize how hard we worked while going through puberty to perfect the act of quietly thinking of anything but sex while having sex. It takes years of training and discipline. Some of us would practice three or four times a day just to get to the point that if we actually were to convince a girl we weren't as much of a loser as the previous sentence suggests, we wouldn't just be with her long enough for her to ask if we're ready.

A lot of things go through the average guy's mind when beginning physical intimacy with a woman. (Reality Check does not wish to promote or even condone pre-marital sex or sex for the fun of it. Although, we figure if the president can get away with it, why the heck not?) Things such as : "I wonder if she's ready?", "I can't believe this is happening!", "Now, which one am I looking for again?" and "I shouldn't have had that last beer, I think I'm numb."

From what Melissa tells us, many things go through a woman's mind during the act as well. Thoughts such as : "I hope this doesn't take long. I'm kind of tired," "Obviously the bored look on my face isn't getting my point across," "What the heck is he looking for?" and "37 minutes? I shouldn't have let him have that last beer."

For years men have figured "The longer, the better" but now we are having to realize that "Sometimes quickie sex is good." We might have to throw away all the little tricks we incorporated into our little love making repertoire, such as: the Change Positions Quickly move, drinking as much as possible right before the act maneuver and thinking of anything from our second grade teacher in a thong to any random number multiplied by 17.

Well, maybe we should start heading to France and Italy to find girls who haven't experienced the joys of American marathon "runners" and maybe there we will be appreciated. Maybe there the ability to hold on until "they're ready" will be praised.

Until then, I am not giving up my title. OK, I made up the opening paragraph.

Whidden can be sent e-mail at tyler@witty.com. Reality Check runs on Wednesdays.