Most students go to college to make a difference. Some of us - including myself - foolishly thought we could contribute to saving the world.

Then we discovered that university campuses breed selfishness. We were busy whining about classes cutting into our drinking time, and we never really got around to achieving our lofty, selfless goals.

But it's never too late to start. I'm a little more than a week from graduating and, in true college student fashion, I'm going to give saving the world a half-assed, last-ditch effort. I hereby submit the solutions to the top local, national and global issues - the ball starts rolling with health care.

Health Care: Forget federally mandated programs, such as Medicare. They only attempt to prevent the inevitable - death. Taxpayers shouldn't have to spend their cash to keep others alive. Ever heard of Charles Darwin? It's called survival of the fittest - the fiscally fittest, that is. Weed out the weak (read: poor), and we'll advance as a society.

Abortion: With more people dying from having no federal health care, the population will decrease, causing a massive outcry for children. The black market for tiny tots will be so humongous that abortion will become obsolete. No one will want to kill a baby when they can sell it.

Education: And the money saved from frivolous health-care programs will be redirected toward education. Of course, the funds will be used to form school-to-work programs for student couples to leave grounds to procreate. There's a lot of cash in making babies nowadays.

Death Penalty: All these new, eager parents won't want their pure children tainted by societal ills, so the dead weight will have to be dropped. But killing is too easy. The new method will be to infect Death Row and life prisoners with HIV. That way they'll suffer and still eventually die.

Environment: The new death penalty will help motivate other criminals with their new work detail - protecting the rain forests. They are the natural habitat for a type of ape that carries a cure for AIDS. So if criminals want to save their asses, they have to save the trees that house those monkeys.

Housing: With rain forests now under the guard of serial killers, the bamboo industry will suffer, leaving renters in Athens with a lack of tasteful outdoor furniture. Athens will be forced to overturn its ruling banning indoor furniture on porches and once again allow porch couches.

Parking: City Council's fears soon will be realized when the couches allow a population of giant rats to take over Athens. They'll be quick to counter by taming the oversized rodents to be used as public transportation, which eventually will cut down on overcrowded parking.

Nuclear Warfare: In some remote surveillance office in Switzerland, an enterprising employee will see the rats on a satellite camera feed. Thinking they are new biological weapons, he will recommend the country launch its only nuclear weapon at Athens. The U.S. retaliation will lead to a global nuclear war that causes the destruction of the planet. Earth witnesses the inevitable - complete death.

Great, now we're back at an even worse square one. I guess it's easier to destroy the world than it is to save it. But, hey, it still started as a good idea. Let's just go get a beer and try to find a new one. Your professor doesn't actually require class attendance, does she?

Eggerton, village elder at The Post, can't be reached anymore. She graduated and went into exile in Barbados.