This morning I woke up before either of my roommates, snuck quietly into the dark hall and into the bathroom. I slipped out of my pajamas and into the hot water of the shower. Standing there in complete silence, I let the water run over me and tears flow from my eyes.

My time in the shower is my alone time. A 10 or 15 minute time span every day when I can escape from the world. A time when there is no one calling me, talking to me or teaching me and no televisions or radios blaring at me.

It's my time to think, reflect and forget all of the worries and stresses that wait outside the shower.

There's something about the fragrance of soap and shampoo, the warmth of the water as it hits your body, that makes all of those problems seem to wash right off and slip down the drain. And for those 10 or 15 minutes, everything seems right with the world.

But this morning the world around me seemed fine, it was me that wasn't. I was full of regret, full of disappointment and full of hatred for a part within myself that had caused those feelings.

As I washed my hair, I thought. I separated my feelings, all the thoughts and self-criticisms that had been piling up for weeks, and I boiled them all down to one thing that was causing my troubles. It was an obvious answer.

It was me.

It all came down to one personal trait that held me back from being that person I've always dreamed of being. But that's just it, dreams are not reality and in reality, I am who I am. I cannot change that no matter how much I dream about it. So I am left trying to figure out how to accept that part of me, instead of hating it.

It seems like a lot of people have trouble with this though, with accepting themselves for who they are. Many try to change themselves or try to imitate others while hiding their true selves. This is especially true when we are young and lacking in self-confidence. We follow popular trends and try to fit in with the "cool" crowd.

But the act of measuring up isn't always what it is cracked up to be. Yes, there are plenty of people I admire and look up to; in fact, there is at least one thing I admire about every one of my friends. But even they have problems, so why trade yours for theirs by trying to be them?

After a while it's got to get tiring, always trying to be somebody else, doesn't it? How long can you lie to yourself and others?

Though I never was trying to lie to myself, what I realized as I stood in the shower this morning (where it is absolutely impossible to hide from yourself) is that I couldn't fight with myself anymore or expect myself to be what I am not. No one is perfect.

Just like relationships that end because one was trying to change the other into something they weren't, I can't ruin my well-being by trying to change myself into something or someone I am not. So I washed my face and my tears away, thinking about something a friend told me just a few days ago.

This is what she said: "You have to love yourself before anyone else can." I'm sure you've all heard this before; I had. But has it ever sunk in enough that you believed it and understood it? As I stood in the shower this morning, it finally hit me.

As long as you are still fighting with yourself, are uncomfortable with things about yourself or are putting yourself down for not being perfect, why is someone else going to argue with you? How are they going to accept you if you can't do it yourself?

I have a piece of paper with a quote written on it taped to my closet door. I read it almost every day. Some guy named Edgar A. Guest once said, "I have to live with myself, and so I want to be fit for myself to know."

I used to think that meant you had to change yourself. This morning I realized it meant you had to accept yourself. Then I turned the water off and pulled the shower curtain back. The cold air rushed over my wet body and it knocked me slightly off-balance, but I grabbed a towel, looked in the mirror and smiled at my reflection.

Next time you step out of the shower, try it. Smile at yourself and know that there is at least one person who loves you for who you are.

Anyone who can smile at themselves, also can send their comments to A href"mailto:ma354096@oak.cats.ohiou.edu">ma354096. Surfacing appears on Wednesdays.