Dating desperation is not a pretty thing. People jump through all sorts of weird hoops to meet one another. Classified ads, video dating, blind dates, even stalking.

Which leads us to eCrush.

Desperation, like anything else, has undergone radical changes with updates in computer technology. It works something like this: A hottie has attracted your gaze in classes, at parties or Uptown. But you're too shy to approach him or her directly.

So you get on eCrush (http://www.ecrush.com), an electronic Chuck Woolery, if you will. You type in your crush's name, and the database e-mails him or her. "Lucky you ... someone has a crush on you," reads the e-mail.

Your hottie then registers and enters the names of those he or she would consider as mates. If they enter you as a crush, you're notified and matched up. Wabam! Instant romance.

Which leads to us, the authors - the guinea pigs - if you will.

We'll admit it, we're desperate. We need lovin' and we need it now. And to our warped, frustrated minds, eCrush is just the ticket, it's that neon light at the end of the tunnel that says, "You'll get some."

Or so we thought.

We tested this service out on each other. On Sunday, Mr. Robert Harvilla received the first e-mail concerning his anonymous crush. "Lucky me," he thought.

As this was a controlled experiment, Robert knew how to respond.

"Ah, that beautiful Jenny girl on the entertainment staff. I must enter her as my eCrush," he murmured to himself.

His fingers danced over the keyboard entering Jenny's name. As he typed, he imagined his beloved, gliding through a field of marigolds, sun warming her face, her neck, her shoulders. Her gleaming eyes. Her radiant smile. Yes, he thinks. This will be true love.

"Is it getting hot in here?" Jenny thinks as she receives the e-mail ... "Lucky you ... someone has a crush on you," it reads.

"Who could it be?" she muses.

She signs on to the eCrush page, heart beating with wild abandon, her bosom heaving ... could it be? Yes, she has been matched up with her beloved. Robert has entered her name. It was meant to be.

What a great scenario.

Unfortunately, in truth, this happens about 2 percent of the time - and that's being generous.

It is rare to be matched up with your one and only by trickery or bizarre circumstance. So, when your crush gets the initial e-mail, he or she probably will discard it like a chain letter or an invitation to a porn site.

Well, maybe they'll keep the porn handy.

The point is, if you really want romance, you can't rely on an electronic Cyrano to help you. The eCrush system is little more than a giant oak tree to hide behind as you gaze longingly at the object of your affection. That tree will do nothing to help you.

You have to step out from behind it and work the mojo.

Still, the eCrush page has its positive attributes. Besides a lovely "mod" page design, eCrush contains some of the most entertaining date stories you'll see anywhere.

Examples: Beer goggles - true testimonies of what people did when they were drunk. And it's not just putting lampshades on their heads.

Horror Date - where else can you read about a girl puking while kissing a guy (and he actually swallowed some of it)?

Or ... Three words for the hard-core horn dog: Gratuitous Shag Page. We'd discuss it further, but our parents might read this.

When and if you get to the "Match Lounge," where the lucky 2 percent who manage to match go, they'll be greeted by the groovy leopard-print backdrop. The Match Lounge is presided over by the Elvis Chihuahua, dressed in a serape, smoking a cigarette. Check out the cocktail recipes and buy some CDs. We think the cocktail recipes belong on the other pages - for those who don't have a match.

But when you get to the actual Match Lounge, which does take a long, torturous time, the only option is to e-mail your crush directly.

Isn't that what you were avoiding the whole time? Now you have to confront your demons face to face.

Sure, eCrush breaks the ice, but you still have to jump in the lake.

Like horoscopes, you shouldn't take it too seriously.

Drop by the eCrush page - check out the smoking Chihuahua, buy some lounge music, mix some drinks. But when it comes time to seek out true love, you're going to have to go at it alone.