Good evening. I'm Dan Rather with a special report for CBS News.

Reliable sources now indicate 15-year-old Ryan Harvilla, international pro-wrestling mogul and beloved brother to Post columnist Rob Harvilla, now stands accused of engaging in an illicit game of "Spin the Bottle" last Saturday night. Those who witnessed the morally devoid incident claim Mr. Harvilla "slipped the tongue" to no less than FOUR DIFFERENT GIRLS.

The American public has reacted to this harrowing news with an explosive mixture of shock and indignation. Indeed, Moral Majority already has called for Harvilla's immediate deportation.

"We simply cannot tolerate jowl-flapping hooligans to pollute this nation, spewing saliva like some salacious sex-crazed llama," thundered Focus on the Family kingpin James Dobson.

Welcome back to CNN Headline News. We are speaking now with Dr. Shariff Abdul Shabazz, a psychologist specializing in awkward teen-age sexuality.

CNN: "Dr. Shabazz, can the public ever trust Ryan Harvilla again?"

DR. SHABAZZ: "Absolutely not. This incident has transformed him from mild-mannered, antisocial freshman weirdo to reprehensible dirty-minded horndog scoundrel. I don't trust this guy any farther than I can throw him, and considering he's about 6-foot-4-inches and, unlike his brother, has actual muscle, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon."

CNN: "But isn't the public overreacting? Isn't 'Spin the Bottle' an integral part of a young teen-ager's development?"

DR. SHABAZZ: "Are you admitting, sir, that you too have mired yourself in this reprehensible act?"

CNN: "Who, me?! Well that's ridiculous, of all the ... "

DR. SHABAZZ: "I thought so."

BILL MAHER: "Tonight here on Politically Correct, let's talk 'Spin the Bottle,' folks. Should this kid be grounded? Deported? Canonized?"

DR. RUTH WESTHEIMER: "I think it's wonderful that young people can be so open about their feelings! 'Spin the Bottle' can provide the gateway to open and loving relationships between teen-agers. Two thumbs up, Bill!! Way up!!"

CHARLTON HESTON: "Oh, shut up, you old bag. These kids are climbin' all over each other and God-knows-what-all when they should be out back taking target practice with their new Remington 12-gauge semi-automatic grenade launcher. Wabbit season!! Duck Season!! Wabbit season!! Duck season!!"

BEN AFFLECK: "I like mittens."

MADONNA: "After seeing what I did with a bottle in Truth or Dare, I don't think you really want my opinion."

CHARLTON HESTON: "C'mon out here, little critter. Come to Moses. Come to Daddy. I'll git ya!!! I'll razzinfrazzinblazzinboggliahyuhhh!!!"

BEN AFFLECK: "One time I hired a monkey to take notes for me in class."

BILL MAHER: "But doesn't this present a slippery slope? First it's 'Spin the Bottle.' Then it's the back of some darkened movie theater showing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.1 Next thing you know this poor sap's singin' 'Fulsom Prison Blues'."

MADONNA: "Anyone got this kid's number?"

BEN AFFLECK: "Mittens keep my hands all warm and toasty."

CHARLTON HESTON: "Damn you dirty apes. WA-BOOOOOM!!!"

Thank you for joining us on 60 Minutes. We're here with Ryan Harvilla's brother, Post columnist Rob Harvilla, to try to make sense of all this madness. What kind of home life do you people have?

ROB: "I suppose this is as good a time as any to discuss when my Dad tried to teach me to make out. 2 I was in the eighth grade, about to go to this boy-girl Halloween party, when he sits me down and says, 'You know how to kiss a girl, right?' Then he starts demonstrating on his hand!! I was horrified. He's going 'You start off with a long slow one, and maybe a few quick ones, and then ... ''"

60 MINUTES: "Oh, for crying out loud, we get the point."

ROB: "You have no idea. That bull @#$!! set my development with women back about nine years. I've still got three years before I'm even in high school, for God's sake."

60 MINUTES: "And what about your brother?"

ROB: "And then my freshman year of college on move-in day we're standing in Kmart buying carpet, when suddenly Dad appears with this giant pair of scissors!! 'You know the chicks don't like nose hair, Rob,' he says. What the hell is that about?" 3

60 MINUTES: "Well, that's quite enough of that."

For a full-color, uncensored photo of Ryan Harvilla in the act of playing "Spin the Bottle," check out The Post Web site. Mature audiences only. 4

Hello, my name is Ryan Harvilla. I'd just like to inform you people that tonight I intend to hunt down my brother and whup his ass for writing and publishing a column about my love life. Doesn't this jerkoff have anything better to talk about? Who gave him this job, anyway?

Final thoughts from Jerry Springer:

"Spin the Bottle" is now a prevalent part of our culture, and we should learn to accept and encourage those who engage in this activity. Just be honest with your friends and family, and I'm sure everyth - WHAT THE?!

(Charlton Heston emerges from the audience, brandishing a grenade launcher. Screams. Flying chairs. Cut transmission.)

Harvilla has gone completely insane. Please lull him back to reality at rh175696. Minister of Culture appears on Mondays.

1 An unfortunate Minister of Culture memory. I apologize if Alicia Bell is reading this.

2 This actually happened. I swear to God.

3 See (2).

4 No, no, no. Kidding.