Friends, Athenians, Fellow Students:

Lend me your ears! I've got a secret to tell. It may shock and disgust you; for that I apologize. You shouldn't be too surprised, of course - all good secrets contain an element of the horrific. After all, why bother to hide something if it isn't at least a little terrible, a little dreadful, a little shameful? My secret is no exception. It is all of these things and probably more. It is this: I'm not humping anybody.

Yep, you heard right. I'm not gettin' it on, doin' the nasty or even bumping uglies. Boggles the mind, doesn't it? Here I am, a 21-year-old man, a senior at Ohio University, and I've never been laid. As a matter of fact, I've never even been close. What's even more remarkable is that I'm doing this by choice (I like to think that, all things considered, I could have engaged in coitus at some point in my college career if I had really put my mind to it). I actually made a conscious decision to save sex for marriage, and so far, so good.

Maybe I should give you a moment to let that sink in. I know the concept of abstinence isn't exactly the most popular idea on campus, and you're probably not used to reading much about it in this newspaper. Actually, after 11 1/2 quarters at Ohio University, I can only think of one other time I read an article or column in The Post that even mentioned abstinence as a realistic option for college students, and I wrote that one as well. As far as I know, I'm the only person in Athens who agrees with me on this subject. This may be a tough position to sell. Nevertheless, I'm going to try.

What I would like to suggest is that maybe, just maybe, not having sex isn't so bad. Our culture seems to be pretty convinced that sex is the Ultimate Good. I'm just saying I disagree. I'm not saying sex is a bad thing, or my libido is not in good working order (not by any stretch of the imagination); it's just that maybe there's more to life than having all of our physical desires satisfied as quickly and as easily as possible. There can be little doubt that we live in a "quick fix" society; from microwave meals to the "morning after" pill, our lives are built around convenience. We place little value on discipline and morally arduous paths, preferring pragmatism over principle.

Even so, it seems popular culture has chosen to ignore any practical upside to abstinence. It is taken as a given that people will have sex, and why shouldn't they? It's a perfectly normal, healthy thing to do. As one great poet put it, "Sex is natural, sex is good/Not everybody does it, but everybody should." I'm not so sure that's the case.

For instance, do you know how many times I have done the infamous "walk of shame"? How many nights I have lain awake, wondering if I'm carrying some sort of virus? How often my girlfriend and I nervously have awaited the results from a pregnancy test? How many people I can't look in the eye, because of some one-night stand? Perhaps more importantly, as I look to the future, how many women will my wife be competing against? How many times, when she and I are together, will I be imaging some previous lover? The answer, of course, is none. I have nothing to regret.

There are other reasons to wait, as well. I don't think it's coincidence that the divorce rate has risen steadily since the so-called sexual revolution. More people are having sex before marriage, and more people are getting divorced. Maybe this is because sex can actually get in the way of people really knowing each other. It might be good for couples who plan to spend their lives together to make sure they really understand who their partners are outside of the bedroom. Maybe the higher divorce rate stems from the fact that sex can trick us into thinking that we love someone who, deep down, we don't even really like. Maybe sex really is something intimate. Maybe the emotional side of things can't be totally ignored. Maybe being physically intimate with someone really does mean giving away a part of yourself. Maybe, like I suggested earlier, there really is more to life than simple gratification.

The point I'm trying to make is not that people who have sex are bad. I'm not writing as a naive prude, and I'm not writing as someone who is jealous about what he doesn't have. I'm writing as someone who thinks that the conventional wisdom might not be so wise, after all. My hope is not that anyone will feel threatened by this view, but that someone who disagrees with me may be challenged to reconsider his or her views on the matter. Is life without sex impossible, unenjoyable, unsatisfying? Not on your life. I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying it doesn't take work. But I am saying that it's worth it. There's no question about that.

Jordan, who welcomes comments and criticism (constructive or otherwise), can be reached at mj276795. Even Keel appears on Fridays.