College students make absolutely no sense sometimes; as a marketing demographic, we have bizarre mannerisms, warped priorities and atrocious eating habits. Our clothing labels range from Hilfiger to Klein to Karan, but our food labels? They range from Croco Crunch to Smack Ramen noodles to King Cobra Malt Liquor. We load our dorm rooms and apartments with designer clothes, powerful stereos, and big screen televisions, but at night we settle down to a home-cooked meal we normally wouldn't dig out of a garbage can.

Ah, yes. Generic food.

Here at Play HQ, we understand your need to economize on those weekly (or monthly, or yearly) shopping trips. And we want to help. And so, as a valuable public service, we have sampled a bevy of culinary atrocities (and delights) and rated them on taste, digestive capability and aesthetic value. Our subjects range from the essential (ravioli) to the somewhat negotiable (cookies) to the unadvisable (malt liquor). Perhaps our findings will turn you on to a potent new product, or prevent you from making a grave mistake.

Cookies

Big Bear Chocolate Chip

Oh yes. Though a bit rubbery, these cookies easily wooed our panel members. The understandably concerned photographer scrambled to get a picture of the bag before overzealous cookie fiends ate them all. He succeeded. We bloated. Thumbs up.

Valu-time Vanilla Cream Sandwiches

"Nice aesthetic value," someone remarks. Munch munch. The cookies features the traditional halved Oreo format, though these suckers are susceptible to crumbling and not very separate-able.

Kroger Ginger Snaps

Remarkably strong, quite tangy, perhaps excessively so. A little too much snap, not enough ginger. We admire the spirit, however.

Gold Strike Bite-Size Chocolate Chip

Tastes suspiciously like it was mined instead of baked, as name the implies. Rock hard, chalky texture, murder on the ol' molars. As one panelist remarked, "Oh my God, this is a hard cookie." At least, we think that's what he said.

Ravioli

Li'l Bitty O's

The winner by default, mostly due to the charming name. A funny aftertaste prevails. The overall mood in the room dips somewhat.

Kroger Brand with Meatballs

So-so, but the meatballs generated the best quote of the evening: "You can hardly taste the horse."

Wheelies

"They don't even look good."

"Yeah, these are really bad."

"Terrible."

"EWWWWWWW..."

Chips

The Chip (of Big Bear)

You heard us. The Chip. And we agree. Great for parties, though admittedly a bit on the salty side. But hey - they're good that way.

The Rippled Chip

A kissing cousin, with the added benefit of aerodynamic ripples. Most enjoyable. "A bit sturdier," someone mumbles.

Soft Drinks

Food Club

Stunned silence. "This is horrible," someone offers. The rest of the group nods solemnly. And this won.

Bubba Cola

Well named, but armed with an extremely bizarre aftertaste. Tastes like cough medicine - not the desired beverage with which to wash down those Lil' Bitty O's.

Big K

The K stands for... oh, never mind. Perpetually flat, devoid of flavor. "Tastes like liquid ginger snaps," someone cracks. Splurge for the Pepsi.

Cereal

At this point, the session broke down into utter chaos. We had chosen three distinct brands of faux-Cheerios, but they all seemed pretty much interchangeable. "It's all about the Toasted Oats," someone proclaims. He/she did not expound on that statement. As for the infamous Toasted Rollin' Oats, someone points out that "they can't even afford the damn G."

They were OK. Approach with caution, as always.

And finally, Adult Beverages

(a journey into malt liquor's Heart of Darkness, a trip made by our eager Stringers)

King Cobra

King, indeed, and an unparalleled bargain at only 99 cents. Lacks the god-awful aftertaste of its hapless competitors. Stringers' choice, apparently.

Wild Cat

As in, "Unleash the Cat." Goes down smooth at first, before the cat unleashes a rather nasty aftertaste. It has textural similarity to apple juice making it ideal for wise-ass pranks.

Mickey's

No cat to unleash, unfortunately. "Not the stinger it's made out to be," someone remarks. Sweeter than Wild Cat, though, but if you want a pleasant taste, what the hell are you doing in the malt liquor aisle?