My Deer friends:

I come to you all with a plea for help. Please allow me to explain my current situation. As I sit here typing at my computer, I am under attack. I know, right now all of you are thinking, "What? The fearless editor-in-chief of "Today's Funny Little E-mail" is under attack? What could possibly make our invincible leader ask for help?" Well, the answer is very scary. I am under attack by deer.

Yes, I still am awake, and sane, but I am under attack by deer.

On my way home from my evening festivities a few weeks ago, I was attacked twice by deer while driving, (I was not drunk, honest.) Fortunately, I was cunning enough to avoid their clever attacks, but my luck will run out soon, as I have been attacked by deer more than a dozen times in the past few weeks alone. I've been attacked many other times, too. I fear the deer know of my accidental killing of one of their own last fall, and now, on the anniversary of that poor deer's death, they have come to take my life.

I must clarify. The deer that I was involved with last fall killed itself. It was not my fault. I did not hit the deer. The deer hit me. It ran into the side of my bright red (freshly waxed I might add), Super Tempo SVT. It ran right into my car! How could he miss it? The Ghostbusters' theme song was blasting! It's not like he could've not heard that. I honestly believe the deer had severe mental problems and committed suicide. There's no other explanation.

Well, now the other deer know about it, and they blame me. It's not my fault! I can't tell them that though, because they have been blinded with rage. They will not stop until they take my life.

I need you all to help. My plan is a simple one, and I hope it works, my life is depending on it. If you see a deer anywhere, please, follow my plan. It is easy, just follow these steps.

Step 1: Take what ever you have on hand (examples: stick, rock, stereo systems, truck, whatever), and hit the deer very, very hard. This should cause the deer to die.

Step 2: Repeat Step One until deer is, in fact, dead.

Make sure the deer is dead. If it is not, the deer will come after you too. I am serious - they are after me. Even now I hear their calls: They make a cross between a cow's moo and a moaning sound, it still haunts me - They know where I live, and they are waiting for me. I've never been this scared.

I appreciate advice I've gotten on the deer situation so far. To be quite honest, I tried the nice approach. I've gotten a lot of "It's not the deer's fault," and "Leave them alone," and, of course, "Get out of here! This is the women's bathroom!" Well, I guess you can't please everyone. It's not that I haven't tried though. I even went as far as to offer some deer a permanent place of residence in my home to compensate for the loss of one of their own. Sadly, this did not seem to satisfy their quest for blood. They have continued on their siege on five separate attacks since last week. I have little time left. Their attacks grow more and more devious in nature. I really hoped the nice approach would work, but it did not. This deeply saddened me, for I too used to be a nature lover. Now I live in constant fear. Fear of Deer.

Schultz, an OU sophomore, is the creator of his own online comedy newsletter "Today's Funny Little E-mail." He can be reached at TenDeMen@aol.com.