PUNCH A HORSE, WIN A CHICKEN SANDWICH

Good evening. This is Dan Rather with CBS News, reporting live from Athens, Ohio, where the ordinarily mildly-mannered students of Ohio University have apparently launched a full-scale riot. As we survey the wreckage (camera pans over Court Street) we encounter smashed windows, burnt trash cans, trash-inundated streets and parked automobiles deprived of their tires, their windshields and, in a few extreme cases, their steering wheels. (1)

Students still run rampant here, destroying everything in their path and blanketing this once-peaceful community in a thick layer of drunken misogyny and unfathomable stupidity. What would compel such fine, upstanding citizens to engage in such deplorable activities? While local law enforcement agents consider severe inebriation, a false sense of bar camaraderie and the general paralyzing onslaught of Spring Quarter-induced sexual frustration as factors in tonight's fracas, the underlying primary cause seems obvious: the reintroduction of Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich.

This delicious and insanely popular sandwich sensation once dominated the fast-food industry, sating millions of customers each day with its savory combination of a succulent breaded chicken fillet, a steaming slice of Monterey Jack cheese and a special ranch sauce, interspersed with hearty bacon bits and completely encapsulated by lettuce, tomato and a fluffy, whole-grain Kaiser bun. Its discontinuation dismayed loyal customers worldwide, although fast food-obsessed college students took the loss particularly hard. But just last week, Wendy's once again began serving the concoction, instilling in the OU population the elation, euphoria and general rowdiness now thought to have caused this insidious hootenanny. (2)

Yes, it seems painfully obvious: As students vandalize cars, loot local businesses and mock police officers present at the scene, doubtless their true thoughts are centered on one thing, and one thing only: tonight marks the advent of daylight-saving time, meaning that students lose an hour - one less hour to enjoy the tasty goodness of Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich.

I'm standing here with one of tonight's so-called "rioters," attempting to get a feel for why he is venting his frustrations in this way.

"Sir, currently you're standing on the hood of Dodge Neon, shouting epitaphs at police horses and gyrating your pelvis in a most unchristian manner. Has the reintroduction of Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich compelled you to this end?"

"Hell no, you toupee-wearin' chump! I'm rioting to protest all the social injustices in the world today! FREE THE SLAVES!! WOOOOOOO!!!!"

"Uh, sir, Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves."

"Well ... FREE PEE-WEE HERMAN!!"

"He's free as well, sir."

"Did Abraham Lincoln do that, too? Jesus!"

"No, that wasn't Abraham Lincoln, he's been dead for more than 100 years."

"Screw that, man! LONG LIVE MUMU!! YOUR MEMORY WILL LIVE IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER!!"

"'Mumu,' sir?"

"MUMU!!!"

"I think you mean 'Mumia.'"

"YES!!! LONG LIVE MUMU!!! WE WILL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS!!"

"Sir, Mumia is alive. He's incarcerated for killing a police officer."

"Well, should we free him?!!"

"I don't know, sir. I'm not the one oscillating on the hood of a car, acting like a jerkoff."

"Well, GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!! WOOOOOO!!!"

(The camera pans over the crowd. The students are chanting "WE WANT OUR WENDY'S MONTEREY RANCH CHICKEN SANDWICH, WITH ITS DELECTABLE ALL-WHITE MEAT CHICKEN FILLET, AMPLE SLICES OF MONTEREY JACK CHEESE AND FRESHLY-MADE RANCH SAUCE WITH BACON PIECES, ALL TOPPED OFF BY LETTUCE, TOMATO AND A KAISER BUN!! AVAILABLE NOW AS PART OF A VALUE MEAL WITH FRIES AND A BIGGIE DRINK FOR $4.97, TO GO!!!" (3) )

We're now told that in response to this display of civil activism, the politically charged rap-metal group Rage Against the Machine has released a new song entitled "Killing in the Name of Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich."

Sample lyrics: "Stop the hypocrisy/ stop the lies/ eat that Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich with some Biggie french fries."

I'm here with Athens police officer Larry Finklestein, discussing some methods his fellow officers are employing to contain tonight's hoo-hah. (4)

"So, Larry, what you do is, you and a bunch of other officers on horses slowly push your way through the crowd, forcing the crowd in the street to disperse back onto the sidewalk."

"Yes, that's correct."

"And then, once you and your horses have passed, the students just move back out onto the street behind you."

"Uh, yes, I suppose that's true."

"Larry, that really isn't very effective."

"Well, see, if we do it often enough, the horses will, ah, uh, ahhhmmm..."

"The horses defecate in the street, Larry."

"Yes, that's it. So the students won't ••want•• to walk back into the street."

"That's pretty good thinking, Larry. But you forget: These people register for classes using the TRIPS system. They're pretty much used to putting up with horses***."

"Oh, hmm, I ... guess we hadn't thought of that."

This is Dave Thomas, mastermind behind the Wendy's fast-food chain. I'd like to thank you for continuing to support my business, and for giving the reintroduction of Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich such an enthusiastic response. In conjunction with OU's Monterey Massacre, we have now unveiled a new advertising campaign. If you come into any restaurant and present definitive proof that you have punched a police horse, you will receive a free Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich. Just our way of showing appreciation for your business and moral support.

Thank you for your business. Free Mumia.

1. SUV steering wheels make great homemade Sit-n-Spins.

2. There are lots of great synonyms for "riot." It pays to read the newspaper, sometimes.

3. Much more intellectual than last year's group chant: "Show us your tits!!"

4. See (2)

Rob is not a Wendy's employee, though judging by this column, he may become one soon. He can be reached at rh175696.