Car shopping just got easier

by Aaron Reincheld

Infomercial announcer: Looking for a new car? (Shot of man mouthing word "Me?" and pointing to his chest standing in front of a neon green background.)

Will you wear a shirt only if it has your favorite multinational corporation's logo on it? (Shot of same man with an ear-to-ear smile violently nodding his head.)

Then do we have the vehicle for you! (Shot of same man running his hand across his forehead and sighing with relief.) It's the brand-new 2002 Ford Escort, special Odd Lots edition - complete with beaded seat covers exclusively found at Odd Lots! (Shot of man smiling with two thumbs up at the camera - end of commercial.)

No, this is not a reality (yet), and I want to know why. Ford already sells Eddie Bauer Editions of its Explorer sport-utility vehicle. Chevrolet offers a Warner Brothers version of its Venture mini-van and Subaru has an L.L. Bean Edition Outback. But why are corporate partnerships limited to these few in the auto industry?

To remedy this problem, I am proposing several options to car manufacturers:

Chevy (formally Geo) Metro Kmart Edition Similar to the Odd Lots Escort, the Kmart Metro has the economically conscious driver in mind. Buy "The Light Blue Special" and get a $500 rebate if you pick sky blue for the color of your car.

Just because a car is economical does not mean it lacks quality - by no means! The Kmart Metro will offer front and rear brakes, and did I mention the lifetime supply of windshield-washer fluid?* The Kmart Metro has it all.

*Given at time of purchase in a greasy McDonald's pickle bucket.

Lexus Motorola Edition Sedan This vehicle is designed for the professional always on the go. Its features include two phone lines, a separate fax line, high-speed Internet access and a satellite dish on top of the car capable of broadcasting your own morning news show.

While these options are enticing, take the next step and buy the top-of-the-line Motorola Edition Lexus Mobile Home in cooperation with American Standard.

Along with the sedan version's multimedia capabilities, the American Standard Motorola Special Edition Lexus Mobile Home provides high-quality restroom facilities (featuring the removable passenger-seat urinal or the optional Home Depot garden hose connector to allow relief without a pit stop).

Another standard feature of the Motorola Special Edition Lexus American Standard Home Depot Mobile Home is an Emmy-nominated production team so your television show looks professional.

Tommy Hilfiger Edition of various Mercedes-Benz models - including SLK-Class Roadsters and M-Class Sport-Utility Vehicles Are your peeps laughing at yo' current ride? Well, move up to the Tommy Benzes - vehicles for when you knows you got style.

The M-Class Off-Roader has plenty of room for you and your homies to show off your bling bling, ice, floss and even mouthwash. (Yes, personalized airbrush schemes are available to show off your record contract and are easy to paint over when you switch labels.)

Honda Accord Nike Air Edition For those with less exotic taste than the Tommy Benzes, the Nike Edition Accord combines Nike's visionary "Air" technology with the automobile know-how of Honda. Visible air pockets on the tires and seats allow you to see the comfort and protection, and the swooshes on the doors, hubcaps and steering wheel show your personal, conforming style.

Manufacturers also should plan the Nike Air Accord Wal-Mart edition. This ventured combination of successful brand names easily combines overseas sweatshop labor, and Wal-Mart brings that wholesome All-American flavor directly from Japan.

Volkswagen Beetle J. Crew Edition For college students who want everyone to know they are cool and their parents pay for their educations, the hip Beetle just got hipper. The J. Crew Edition features a series of easily exchangeable seat covers to match all outfits purchased at J. Crew.

The Capri Style is expected to be very popular featuring a paint job that unexplainably stops three-fourths of the way down.

*Selling point to Volkswagen: if J. Crew does not work out, Abercrombie or Gap can be substituted to reach the same market.

Reincheld thinks these cars are only an intermediate step until we will all be traveling the freeways with McDonald's or M&M logos on our cars. What do you think? Tell him @ ar228699.