Bush plans release of Star Wars -- Episode II

by Todd Johnson

Star Wars - Episode II may be released sooner than expected. The proposed Bush administration version, though, will be far more profitable for those involved than the next two overblown George Lucas epics.

Space, until now it seems, had been considered to be neutral territory. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld fears our nation's satellites are vulnerable to a "Space Pearl Harbor" and that we need to pursue the creation of an extensive ballistic missile defense system to shield both our nation and our interests orbiting the Earth. Upon his confirmation, Rumsfeld said he planned to press for the United States to construct superior space capabilities that can "deter and defend against hostile acts in and from space."

Hostile acts in space imply attacks from the ground on U.S. property in space. Because no other nation is going to have the funding to produce weapons originating from space, "hostile acts ... from space" must imply attacks by rogue alien worlds. Given the recent discovery of a few planets orbiting a star billions and billions of light years away, this probably is a threat that requires concern. Also, the recent films Red Planet and Mission to Mars, which depict life on our neighbor in orbit, were pretty convincing. Maybe some beautiful female Venusians who hate white men in power will decide to steal our moon. The moon is ours! The U.S. flag is up there! We can't stand for the possibility of that embarrassment.

Because the United States no longer has lands to conquer, space is the last territory we can relieve ourselves upon. Let's make the moon a U.S. territory, open immigration, then property-tax the hell out of whomever or whatever decides to move there. "Taxation without representation!"

They'll be too far away. No one will hear them. Making money, that's the American way.

Unfortunately, that is the sad truth. Rumsfeld's priorities, meaning the Bush administration's, must be examined. On second thought, they can be assumed. The proposed increase of the defense budget to include the developing of "Star Wars" paranoia prevention is only a shield justifying the handing of tax money to the defense industry. Rumsfeld's scheme has been included in a report, directed by Rumsfeld himself, written by a commission of former defense officials and other experts. Former defense officials probably hold stock in, or have further interests in the success of, defense contractors. Build weapons. Stocks rise.

The same report indicates that many countries, including those enormous threats to our national security known as North Korea and Iraq, have the technology to jam satellite transmissions. Because everything in the world's only superpower, down to bathroom hand dryers, now relies on the coordination of satellites, we can assume that a missile defense would rely on satellite transmissions. This being true, countries with jamming technology will be able to disrupt our you-know-it's-going-to-be-infinitely-complex defense system. Build weapons. Stocks rise. Who cares if they work?

Russia and China do. The militarization of space might compel those two nations to cooperate strategically. China, already, may be showing its fear of the "Bush Way or the Highway" administration. Nations developing missile technology would fear our power, justifying and encouraging their own defense progress. Rumsfeld's proposals are a slap in the face to the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Defense Treaty with the Soviet Union. Russia was once most of the Soviet Union, Rumsfeld, in case you forgot. The Clinton administration pushed to uphold the treaty. Rumsfeld calls it "ancient history."

Yet, he doesn't think the Cold War is ancient history. It may not be, but encouraging its growth is good for no one, except American business. After being a private citizen for so long, maybe Rumsfeld is feeling nostalgic for the Cold War days of his youth. **Star Wars,** the film, was released soon after he completed his first run as defense secretary. Maybe that work of fantasy, with its good-ol'-boy heroes and faceless enemies, inspired him to return to politics some day. After a long career in the private sector, where the money is, he has returned to the land where dreams can come true. With the right connections. And where you can manipulate your position to make money for other people. And improve your hidden stock options.

Rumsfeld needs to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey. In that brilliant and timely film, aliens were not a threat. Human creations could destroy us.

Then again, maybe the threat of alien invasion, from and in space, does exist. It's a less scary thought than the notion that government officials would blatantly abuse their positions to take advantage of taxpayer money.

Please direct complaints to: tj352800@ohio.edu.