Lights out in the bitter barn

by Ben Grabow

Warm weather gets my good chemicals flowing. Cold weather makes me bitter and sarcastic. The humor columnist lives for cold weather.

The recent weather changes around here are going to require some detailed meteorological explanation. You’ve got your cold fronts and your warm fronts. Last week was all warm front. Then, sometime this weekend, a cold front came rolling in, putting the warm front in a headlock and smacking it around a little. The scuffle involved a few thunderstorms, torrential rain and a sudden temperature change.

I should have been a weather guy.

Springtime is traditionally monsoon season here in Athens. In mid-April, a trip to Taco Bell is like taking the Eco Challenge. And aside from sudden flash flooding, Athens is one of the few places in the world where your sunburn can get frostbite.

On Monday, the weather hit home. Colliding warm and cold fronts produced heavy winds, which picked up a small group of squirrels, sending a squirrel tornado into a nearby power transformer, blacking out the street.

Our power went out at about 6:45 in the morning. I dreamt that the fan beside my bed had gone out, and when I woke up, I discovered the fan beside my bed had gone out. I have interesting dreams.

For me, a power outage is no big deal, especially on a Monday morning. I can usually depend on myself to wake up by noon. The only inconvenience is reprogramming my television. It’s a pain, but I try not to get too upset.

Among the few electrical appliances in my room are the television, the fan and one ancient computer. The computer is so old and useless that it usually doesn’t realize the power has been turned off. So I can live without electricity.

My roommates, on the other hand, are slightly more dependent on electrical appliances. One roommate woke me up about an hour after the outage, deeply concerned about the temperature of his room.

This roommate seemingly is obsessed with climate control. His air conditioning unit has been running since the sun came out in March. He sometimes runs the heater simultaneously for optimum balance. I can only imagine that he woke up at 7:45, shivering violently as the temperature in his room had dropped nearly three degrees.

The roommate had me dig up an old electric bill so he could call the power company. After all, we could be the only house on the street without power. After being assured that many other houses on the street were without electric heaters, he went back to sleep. This is when the power company arrived.

Power company trucks are louder than garbage trucks, semi trucks, monster trucks and my mother put together. After about a half hour of backing up (oh, the beeping), the men began to go to work.

From my bed, it sounded as though the workers were actually throwing tools at the transformer from the street. When this had no effect, the power company brought in louder trucks with bigger, heavier tools. But still we went without power.

Once again, I can live without electricity. Television eases the boredom, refrigeration is nice and microwaves save time, but I can live without electricity.

Stereos, sub-woofers, mini-fridges, air conditioning units and heaters, DVD players, wide-screen televisions, laptop computers, black lights, neon signs, blow dryers, electric guitars, dartboards, shavers and toothbrushes (yes, electric toothbrushes) need electricity. Lots of electricity.

Blankets, while providing warmth and snuggability, do not require an electrical outlet. Piling a dozen blankets on your bed will in no way increase the electric bill. Likewise, sleeping expends no electricity whatsoever.

So, to ease the upcoming energy crisis and prevent the extinction of Alaskan wildlife, I would like to suggest an increase in blankets and sleeping.

It doesn’t have to be a constitutional amendment. Just let me go back to sleep, people.

And for God’s sake, stop the beeping.

 

Send some e-mail to Benjamin.Grabow@ohiou.edu. Or save electricity and mail him some cookies instead.