A dose of virtual reality on V-Day

A Different Drummer

by Gail Cetnar

Midterms and Valentine's Day make a lousy couple.

Many of us have approximately 29,000 pages of text to read, four tests to take and a 98-page paper to write all on the same day. Plus, we also have to deal with that one hussy on campus who prances around with a dozen roses and a fistful of helium balloons.

You know it will happen. You'll go out for a study break, and she'll be there — standing with her stupid flowers and squealing to a wide-eyed group of friends about her wooonderful man. While the girl's so-called friends pretend to be happy for her, they'll contemplate how to beat her to death with the flowers. Everyone nearby will wear a scowl with smug undertones suggesting they realize that eventually her pathetic pink little heart will be stomped and obliterated by her equally pathetic and unimaginative boyfriend.

Oh, I'm not at all bitter.

Dealing with this manure is enough to make anyone feel dark and cynical. But if you've seen so much pink you're ready to puke, look on the bright side, Pollyanna! Your feelings of scorn, spitefulness and resentment should be savored so that you can appreciate black humor and everything bleak in this world. So go ahead and withdraw from the world at large and indulge your cynicism in the world of cyberspace at the following Web sites:

Are you plotting revenge on someone who just ripped out your heart? A corpse in the trunk of his/her car should do the trick.

This is sick and twisted. Hang on, because you're going for a ride. Di Stefano Productions, a company based in Delaware, sells chillingly realistic reproductions of corpses, severed limbs and the like. For a mere $650 you can order a life-size male corpse. A head runs $245, or if you prefer, you can get a severed arm for just $125. If you're running really short on cash, you can buy a detached eye with optical nerve for $21.95. The site also sells pictures, T-shirts and manuals on how to make your own corpse.

You can specify the corpse's gender, hair and skin color and degree of decay, as well as the color lights in the eyes. Make sure you check out the site's creative picture gallery.

(First, a disclaimer: Avoid this site if you dislike black humor or are easily persuaded. I do not advocate animal cruelty, just the First Amendment.)

Did you have trouble coming up with a unique gift for someone special? Why not a bonsai kitty?

Be prepared for your jaw to hit the floor when you see this Web site. It seems like a joke, but its detail and photos place seeds of doubt in your mind. Be reassured that the site isn't serious, however.

The site, which was created by a student at MIT, informs readers, "By physically constraining the growth of a developing living thing, it can be directed to take the shape of the vessel that constrains it. Just as a topiary gardener produces bushes that take the forms of animals or any other thing, you no longer need be satisfied with a house pet having the same mundane shape as all other members of its species."

It explains how to mold a kitten into any particular shape by stuffing it into a jar for a few weeks. A fabricated letter to the Web master praises him and asks if shaping a kitten into a star is possible. Another letter inquires how to keep the edge on a trapezoid kitty.

Did your bonsai kitty bite the dust? Can't bring yourself to bury Fluffy in the backyard? Don't want to stuff her or freeze-dry her either? That's OK. Just mummify her and turn her into a bronze statue. It costs only $6,000.

This site illustrates how to pack Fluffy in ice in a cooler, drill an air pressure hole in the lid and wrap duct tape around the whole thing. Print out and sign the agreement, write a check and airmail them with Fluffy to Salt Lake City. In two to four months it will be "possible for you and your treasured pet to be together eternally," according to the site.

All I can do is shake my head.

Are you upset because somebody led you to believe you were more than just friends? Take heart.

This site launches into a music video parody of Britney Spears, complete with her dancing around in that skin-tight red number. If you're feeling particularly resentful of pop culture, this should make you smile. Plus, you can download the MP3.

This site lists ways to let the meter maids know just how much you care.

If the pink background makes you puke, I apologize.

Once you have finished your virtual vacation, your heart should be sufficiently blackened, and you can go back to face the pink sappiness that permeates the day. And if you happen to see the girl with the wooonderful boyfriend again, be sure to remind her that those flowers make her look fat.

Cetnar, a junior journalism major, has not been diagnosed as mentally ill —yet. Send her your comments at gail20@frognet.net.