Punxsy Phil slams penguins

by Chris Foreman

(For those of you who miss Dave Barry's column on this page.)

The Post has learned of a conspiracy concocted by Punxsutawney Phil to defame penguins.

According to an informant cultivated by The Post, several Punxsutawney, Pa., residents close to the famous groundhog originated a smear campaign intended to quell the popularity of penguins. The campaign - nicknamed "Operation PUNX" - attempted to cast aspersions on penguins to banish them to the shadows of mediocrity and maintain the limelight of celebrity for Phil.

With Feb. 2 approaching, PUNX panicked about a mid-January poll in US Weekly that indicated Phil's popularity had dropped to depths not seen since Sega released "Sonic the Hedgehog" in 1991. Meanwhile, penguins topped the list of "Who's Hot?"

Phil blamed the emergence of penguins on the return of hockey star Mario Lemieux to the Pittsburgh Penguins after a three-and-a-half-year retirement, said "Bird Brain," The Post's informant. His return has elevated his sport, his team, the city of Pittsburgh and the bird species to unparalleled respectability.

The two most recent transgressions by Operation PUNX hit the Internet on Groundhog Day. In the first, Reuters reported, "A baby penguin found wandering dazed near an Australian suburban fast food restaurant had to be treated for depression."

Depression? The only reason the little fellow had to be depressed was that his Melbourne home was McTaken over by McDonald's. He probably freaked out because he found real meat in his Big Mac.

Regardless, this remorseless act of libel seems to be stolen straight from the Richard Nixon playbook. In 1972, Sen. Thomas Eagleton withdrew from his spot as the Vice Presidential nominee after Nixon's "CREEPS" uncovered that he had undergone electric shock treatment for mental fatigue in the 1960s.

Also on Feb. 2, PUNX worked with Reuters to distribute a story headlined, "Study: Penguins Do Not Topple Watching Aircraft." The article reported, "Rumors of falling penguins have abounded since British plane and helicopter pilots returning from the 1982 Falklands War claimed their flights had toppled the earth-bound birds."

Later in the day, ABCNEWS.com picked up the story adding, "After years of reports that Antarctic penguins fall on their backs when aircraft pass overhead, The British Royal Navy says tests prove - it just ain't so." According to ABCNEWS.com, the British Antarctic Survey spent $36,000 to study the effects aircraft have on the penguins below.

The depiction of the penguin suddenly was that of a despondent creature incapable of standing erect at the sight of even a paper airplane. The aggression toward penguins reaches back to last month, as well, Bird Brain told The Post.

"PUNX took the coward's approach," Bird Brain said. "Instead of hyping the arrival of Groundhog Day, they began an assault on the penguin's credibility. Nobody wants to hear about groundhogs in January, but PUNX felt if it could stop the penguin's momentum, Groundhog Day might be saved."

Last month, PUNX paid off a reporter for The Arizona Daily Star who wrote a story that ran Jan. 31 about a University of Arizona swimming coach. PUNX offered the reporter a shot glass from punxsutawneyphil.com for the following libelous statement: "...getting a similar conciliatory act from (the International Olympic Committee) is about as likely as a penguin winning the Kentucky Derby."

Beyond the slurs, PUNX might also be behind no less than four agitations toward penguin habitats. The first is an oil spill in the Galapagos Islands on Jan. 16 that threatens the survival of the rare Galapagos Penguin.

The second is a climatic change in the southern hemisphere. According to a Jan. 16 story by Reuters, half-starved penguins have been stumbling ashore in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Penguins are not even safe in the United States. Not even at Sea World. The San Diego Daily Transcript asked readers to "think of 350 penguins wobbling along at SeaWorld, unaware that the electricity keeping their quarters at a constant 25-degree temperature may suddenly shut off."

Closer to Athens, Six Flags bought Sea World of Ohio last month with the intention of moving its emperor penguins (and other marine life) to other Sea World parks across the nation.

Can all this be a coincidence? Is it just a bad month at the arctic for penguins? Did Philadelphia Flyers forward Todd Fedoruk cause the sore neck of Penguins star Jaromir Jagr on Jan. 31 without a bribe from PUNX?

All wings point toward Punxsutawney. If Bird Brain is right, guilt must engulf Gobbler's Knob. But until more evidence comes to light, only Phil's shadow knows.

The actual news stories described above are true. The rest was fictionalized to amuse the innocent. Foreman, a senior journalism major, can be reached at cforeman7@hotmail.com. Pvt. Joker appears Thursdays.