The Comeback Kid Returns

Pvt. Joker
Chris Foreman

Given the lack of great drama involved with the Oscar nominations Tuesday, Americans should rent the straight-to-video release "Ex-Presidents Gone Wild" for an entertainment rush.

Like swallowed gum, Bill Clinton keeps sticking to America's conscience. America thought it had scraped him from the tread of its shoes four weeks ago, but the media circus continues to revolve around "The Slick One" - even after his departure from the Oval Office.

"Ex-Presidents" is Billy C's fourth film effort and the first since his transition from president to citizen. In the picture, protagonist Clinton faces an onslaught of personal calamities, such as Republicans broaching the subject of a second impeachment - would that make Al Gore president? - and "Baywatch" announcing the end of its series.

To add injustice to insult, what chick is going to dig an unemployed, chubby guy in his 50s? But, at least that cat Hillary is away so Billy can "get down, get fun-kay."

In the film, Billy prepares to soak the nation for an excessively priced Manhattan apartment and "redecorates" the White House furniture out of the White House. Billy and his Merry Pranksters even play games with the incoming administration, yanking the Ws off the White House computers.

But his greatest feat in the flick is performed in his final hours as the Pardon Fairy. All of Washington heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Pardon to All, and to Bush a Great Plight." Among the names on his "nice" list was Marc "I'm still Rich 'cuz this pardon means I don't gotta pay $48 million in back taxes."

Packed with more than three hours of buffoonery, "Ex-Presidents" outlasts "Braveheart" in length and crushes the 1996 Best Picture winner in the number of derrieres shown on-screen.

"Ex-Presidents" is Billy's first film since "The Ladies' Man." The autumn 2000 picture chronicled the various accusations against our 42nd president by Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Kathleen Willey. ("Yeah, dat's disgustin'.")

Yes, like Mom would say, that Billy is quite the character. In fact, America's Mommy Dearest, the Grandly Objectionable Party, sat William Jefferson Clinton in the corner in his previous film adventure, "Starr Wars: The Pepperdine Menace." We knew the GOP was really mad because they called him by his full name during the impeachment proceedings and told him to wait until his Founding Fathers came home. Oh, was he in for quite a grounding!

"Starr Wars" was actually a sequel to "Liar Liar," a heart-warming tale about a president who fibs about his relationship with an intern, that Devil in a Blue Dress, for almost a year. You probably remember the film best for the fabrication that swept the nation: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman - Miss Lewinsky." (Insert cliched oral sex joke here.)

In fact, Billy's influence on show business is so noticeable that he is incorrectly considered the catalyst for two other films. Contrary to popular opinion, "Pecker" is not a biopic of The Arkansas Hog, but a comedy starring Edward Furlong and Christina Ricci.

The second film, "Primary Colors," is about a pudgy, southern governor with a scratchy voice and the vice of womanizing. "Colors" stars John Travolta in a dead-on impression of Gov. Jack Stanton, a man whose personality is so different from Billy that any perceived comparison is comical.

But to see Billy and see him at his best, "Ex-Presidents" has no rival. Not only have the producers rushed the film to stores to feed the overwhelming demand, but it also includes Billy's new music video. Perhaps setting a trend, Billy dusts off his significant skill at the saxophone to collaborate with Chris Rock on a reprisal of Rock's "No Sex in the Champagne Room."

Emphasizing that his relationship with Lewinsky was "inappropriate," but not intercourse, Billy concludes the song:

"Some of the stuff I have said may offend you.

Some of the stuff I have said may not apply to you.

But no matter who you are,

You must remember this one thing:

No matter what a Republican tells you,

There was no sex in the Oral Office! NONE!"

Given the choice between a Clinton or a Bush administration, Foreman seeks refuge in political purgatory. Send him an e-mail him at cforeman7@hotmail.com. Pvt. Joker appears Thursdays.