A rose by any other name would be just as sweet

by Gretchen Waggoner

“Why would I change my name?” is a question I have heard women ask in regard to forsaking their maiden names for their future husbands’ surname.

The argument is usually that she is accustomed to her own name. Often she is worried her own family name will die with her marriage because there are no males in her generation.

I understand both of those viewpoints. My older sister and I had this discussion before she got married this summer. My father, an only son, has three daughters. My grandfather’s brother died in World War II. We are the lasts of the Waggoners.

My older sister, Emily, was worried about the expiration of our name. I explained to her that her efforts were too late. She will eventually have children, and hyphenated or not, boy or girl, our last name inevitably will not be passed on to future generations.

If Emily and her husband were to hyphenate, their daughter would then have to hyphenate a third name and possibly fourth if her future husband already has a hyphenated last name. This leaves their son with the probability of hyphenating a third name when he marries a woman who also does not want to give up her maiden name.

You can see where this is going, adding complication when each new generation marries. And possibly more complication if any man marries anyone stubborn about her last name.

Finally, my mother explained to Emily the real benefit of taking her husband’s name, which is the advancement toward the beginning of the alphabet.

For all of you lucky ones in the first half of the alphabet, you have no idea how good you have it. Do you understand how hard it is for me to pay attention during any type of roll call? As it is, I have a relatively short attention span. It is so distracting when I am sitting with an early namer. As soon as that person’s name is called, that person wants to gossip. I have no willpower to keep listening for my name if someone is talking to me.

Another blessing the front of the alphabet people have is patience. There are occasions when you have to meet with some group or person alphabetically. When there are 25 people, and you are a “W,” the person you have been waiting for is often tired, grouchy or bored. This is unfair and fairly unavoidable discrimination. I have a feeling this condition affects many end-of-the-alphabet-er’s grades and scores in school.

But I digress. Emily’s other name predicament came from her middle name. My mother dropped her own middle name when she got married. She moved her maiden name into the middle name position.

When my mother had her first child, that child being Emily, she borrowed her aunt’s married name, Harper, for Emily’s middle name. Her intention was to carry on the Harper name because the Harpers were unable to have children. So Emily also was afraid to let go of her middle name because she feels it is her duty to let the name live for as long as she does.

When I was sifting through my grandfather Waggoner’s genealogy records, I realized something. Plenty of names already have been lost in my family, and plenty have been added. You may be thinking I’m not that bright if I just realized this, but it had never clicked in my head before.

We are selfish to worry about our own names and family history. What really matters is the future.

Nowadays there are many women who do not want to relinquish their family names for one reason or another. While I respect those reasons, I would like to point out one important reason to change our last names to those of the men we marry.

When a woman marries, her father typically “gives her away.” Now I am aware that this is another tradition many women are against. Old-fashioned and sexist as these traditions may seem, there is reasoning behind them. When two people marry, they start a new family. Families should be identified by the same name.

If a mother has a different last name than her children, it is easy to mistake that mother for a stepmother.

Names are binding.

I love my family. I am proud of my family. Having the same name adds an intangible quality to sharing our lives and accomplishments so intimately. Our name defines and outlines our family.

When my parents see my name in print, they also see their name. Just the same as when I see my mother’s signature on her paintings, I remember I come from a very talented source, and I probably share some of it.

So I know that when I am lucky enough to start my own family, I will share a name with my husband and children. And when I one day see my child’s first certificate of award, I’ll know I must have done something right, and I will share the accomplishment.

– Waggoner can be reached at gretchenwaggoner@yahoo.com