|
|
 |
 |
 |
||||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
 |
||||||||
          |
Television is going down the tubesby Daniel Donatelli Too much studying. Need mind-numbing waste of time. Let’s see what’s on. Click. NBC: “Up next on the Winter Olympics, one of many events involving a man riding on a board gliding over ice at 300 miles an hour. See if Bjornkre vonBruensson will win gold again! … Ah, who cares? If he’s not American, or an American flag, or an American holding an American flag, he’s nobody.” Click. CNN: “I can’t say, I haven’t… I’ll have to go back and check the numbers, but we do know the targets in the Kanduhar area were successfully hit… No, I can’t comment on the Special Forces operations at this time… yes, I hate Geraldo, too.” Click. WB: “Next on Blind Date — he’s a Chippendale’s dancer, she’s the president’s daughter! See what happens when you combine Jenna Bush and Busch Light.” (Insert wacky cartoons and sound effects) Click. MTV: “My name is Jessica! I totally love Britney! I want to see ‘I’m A Slave 4 U’ cuz Britney’s totally awesome and so is her dancing and singing! But mostly I like her artistic integrity; Dan Donatelli is just trying to look cool by being different! WOOOOOOOOO!” Click. ESPN: “Kobe Bryant, the man of the hour, wins the MVP of the All Star Game only to receive a loud booing from his hometown crowd in Philadelphia. Kobe was all like, ‘Can’t I get a little respeezy in mah heezy teezy, fo’ sheezy? For Rich Eisen, I’m Stuart Scott, stay tuned for…” Click. DISCOVERY: “The Zuni Tribe, from southern Madagascar, has never before this moment been in contact with western civilization. As you can see, our seemingly odd camera equipment does not intimidate them, as a matter of fact; the children seem to find it playful. See how they lack the timidity you’d expect from such a secluded culture. Here, the American translator is speaking with the head of the Tribe. Wait, yes, they just accepted the deal. The Zuni Tribe from southern Madagascar is now sponsored by Taco Bell! ‘Think outside the bun,’ is the pidgin translation for what the boy just clicked.” Click. VH1: “Things looked bad. Drummer, Johnny Tornadho, hit the bottle hard after the death of bassist, Cliff Roberston. Guitarist, Robert Snide, began taking Courtney Love-like amounts of antidepressants, and singer Scott Miller, worst of all, became a born-again Christian. ‘After that, man, he lost his edge, because Christ just doesn’t know how to rock.’” Click. FOX: (Homer sits Lisa on his lap) “Lisa, the Winter Olympics are only around once every four years; like… uh, presidential elections… Watergate, and uh… Batman.” Click. ESPN: “Jamie Sale, the figure skater from Canada, was like, ‘I rocked the Ice like Cube, and I ain’t get no love from the judges? This Olympic shaft is WHACK! Holla!’” Click. FOX: “His name is Henry, Clay Henry…” Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. FOOD NETWORK: “He’s a fireman and a Jared fan from Subway!” The television gets ripped from the wall and thrown out my window. Back to the books. “Such universal modes of knowledge, which at the same time possess the character of inner necessity, must in themselves, independently of experience, be clear and certain. They are therefore entitled knowledge a priori; whereas…” Curse you Immanuel Kant! You’re more boring than church! Slam the book closed. Walk downstairs to go get my TV off Union Street. — Donatelli's article is dedicated with much respect to Darin Painter; contact him at beatpoet5@hotmail.com if you have any thoughts. |