'Crossroads' plot dead ends

by Ben Grabow
For The Post

As Crossroads ­ the latest teen-movie travesty ­ begins, the audience is treated to Britney Spears singing in her underwear. Well, it sounded as if she were singing. But she was dancing at the same time, so it might have been a recording.

And thousands will see this movie based on that paragraph alone.

There’s enough Maxim magazine semi-nudity in the first 15 minutes of this movie to make it seem promising. The guy mantra: It’s obvious this will be a terrible movie, but at least I’ll see Britney half naked.

Speaking of which, there’s something to note about this sexploitation. If you’ll notice, it seems none of the other characters ever undresses, dances in some skimpy underwear or even takes a shower in the course of the entire movie. Meanwhile, Britney spends half her screen time in a towel or less. Not complaining, just noting.

While Britney keeps her clothes on, the worst plot in the history of cinema develops. Once grade-school friends, Lucy (Britney), Kit (Zoe Saldana of ••Center Stage••) and Mimi (Taryn Manning) have a pact to meet at midnight on their high school graduation day. During their reminiscent rendezvous, they hatch a plan to drive across the country. Hey, why not?

Their chauffeur is Ben, played by Anson Mount. Ben to Britney: “You must be Lucy.” Audience to Ben: “You must be 35.” Besides being ridiculously old, Ben is a guitar player driving to Los Angeles. The girls agree to help with gas if they can come along.

Ben drives a 1973 Buick Skylark convertible, which gets approximately two feet to the gallon. But it wouldn’t be a Clairol commercial without a convertible, so they’ll deal with it.

Meanwhile, we’re introduced to each girl’s “issues.” We’re introduced to lot of teenager “issues” in this movie. They’re supposed to be the redeeming point of the film ­ that “issues” such as teen pregnancy, divorce, virginity, sexual assault and even marriage are brought before the characters on their journey.

These are all touchy subjects. And the movie touches on each, for about 15 minutes apiece. Basically, they’re all just a means to the end of the movie, where Britney gets to live happily ever after. And that’s somewhere between sad and despicable, leaning toward despicable.

This movie actually goes out of its way to be bad. It’s like taking a trip to California and stopping in Quebec along the way. Awful music (to which Britney happily will sing along), painful acting and the most grating, cheesy, moronic ending imaginable combine to make ••Crossroads•• a film that revels in its badness.

This is the worst kind of movie ­ the kind that will make money. You see, people like Britney. In the words of an MTV VJ, “It’s Britney’s world, and we just live in it.” (And speaking of VJs, look for a cameo by Jesse, who apparently hasn’t overdosed on anything yet).

Terrible yet profitable, these movies only encourage more of the same. Pepsi gives Britney enough money, folks. Save your eight bucks for the next "Jurassic Park"sequel.