Polyamory: it's spreading the love

by Gail Cetnar
Different Drummer

Nothing sapped my Christmas spirit faster than stepping into a dollar store only to be taunted by a rack of sickeningly sweet Valentine's Day chocolates.

Are people really in that big of a rush to greet a holiday that inevitably prompts the average person to fanaticize about dragging a wobbly chair and a length of rope out of the garage?

It's the same old story, Valentine's Day blows because:

A) Your best friend slept with your boyfriend/girlfriend;

B) You're convinced love doesn't exist;

C) You're horribly disfigured, and no one loves you;

D) You're NOT horribly disfigured, and no one loves you; or

E) Bush "won" the friggin' election (ok, so maybe that just makes every day blow).

We all know enough divorced people and whiny insecure couples to know that monogamy is a cruel joke. Everyone I know has been cheated on (and, to everyone's credit, quite a few of you have done some cheating too). And the people I know who have been married for several years have settled into boring, mundane ruts.

I think there's a pretty simple solution to this: Get over the idea that monogamy equals happiness. Why settle with being part of a pair if you can be part of a trio, a quad or more? If one person can't give you everything you need - and no one really can - maybe a few more will.

It's the notion of polyamory, loving more than one person at a time. You can visit http://www.sexuality.org/polyamor.html for more information.

For all you women who keep complaining that all the good guys are taken - this idea doubles your dating pool instantly because it makes it acceptable for "taken" men to love you too.

The same idea applies to all you horribly disfigured or non-horribly disfigured folks.

Polyamorous relationships can include anywhere from three people to dozens of people who often live under the same roof and might even share the same bed.

This lifestyle is for straight, gay and bisexual people. It's not necessarily about sex - it's about free love and companionship.

"Polys" are close and committed to one another, which sets polyamory apart from swinging. Swinging is defined as one couple swapping sex partners with another couple.

Swinging is about sex; polyamory is about relationships.

And it's a more solid relationship than you could ever hope for if you were monogamous. This is because monogamy is practically akin to masochism. Unless you honestly think you're a vixen in bed and some sort of spectacular listener, eventually your significant other will cheat on you.

But in relationships with more than two people, everyone can have their needs, whether sexual or emotional, met without cheating. The relationship could resemble a miniature sorority or fraternity, except with people who still care about you once the keg is cashed.

Sound idealistic? Probably no more than delusions that The One will someday sweep you off your feet and you'll live happily ever after with two-and-a-half kids, a golden retriever and a complete Abercrombie and Fitch wardrobe.

If you're married but want to be poly, you can escape that hideous routine in which you go to work, come home and eat dinner, watch some brain-rot like **Xena: Warrior Princess**, peck your spouse on the cheek and fall asleep. Instead, the two of you can still troll the clubs, bars and dorms for that extra someone special.

Polys with children have the advantage of more than two people who can take the kids to soccer practice, watch them, nurture them, etc. The rent or house payment, food and utilities can be split among more people. There'd be more money to go around.

And then, sometimes there's more sex. You can imagine the possibilities. The poly attitude could be well expressed with comedian Emo Phillips' comment, "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

The beauty of these relationships is that they promote honesty and communication because they simply won't work without them. Honesty and communication are two things that should be fundamentals in any relationship, but often are absent in monogamous ones because people are afraid to confront their partners about their inadequacies.

While monogamous couples agonize about whether their partners are being faithful, those in poly relationships acknowledge that sometimes one person just isn't enough. For polys it's the more the merrier.

Keep this in mind before you drop 20 bucks on cheap chocolates, flowers and a superficial card in an attempt to tell someone they're everything you could ever want.

**Cetnar, a junior journalism major, is curious to know how many of you think she's going to burn in hell. She can be reached at gail20@frognet.net.**