The Martha Stewart administration (U. Michigan)

By Emily Achenbaum

(U-WIRE) ANN ARBOR, Mich. (U. Michigan) – The New York Times – what all papers aspire to be. Impeccable, professional, authoritative. I trust the judgment of the Times. So last week when a front page article on Laura Bush lead off with how she has her Christmas card picked out by February, organizes all her shoes in color order and scrubs tile for fun, I understood the paper's editorial decision. The American people want to know what the first lady is "really" like. Two words: Not Hillary.

Housewife extraordinaire Laura Bush will spend the next four years showing women that they can and should be Martha Stewart.

Now, Martha gets the "OK" because she has created an economic empire so broad it covers television, magazine racks, fruit baskets ... Granted, it is an empire of gingerbread cookies and duvet covers, but it involves business savvy and creativity just the same. It's slightly pathetic, yet impressive.

According to the Times, Laura sends thank-you notes within 24 hours of an event, organizes her personal library according to the Dewey Decimal system and doesn't ever leave papers unfiled. Slightly pathetic, yet impressive.

The Bush administration is well-poised to shape the public image of what a modern woman should be like. I think the Bush people might be smart enough not to overturn Roe v. Wade or do anything else that would cause a major feminist uprising. Why make abortion illegal when you can convince women that they not only want to keep the baby, but stay at home and knit booties (which can be organized by color)?

Laura is poised to come across as the perfect woman – unlike Hillary, who surely doesn't caulk her own bathtub. Nurturing, non-husband-shadowing. The social climate in the United States – increasingly conservative and "comfortable" – is not looking for a ruckus.

Family values are not about having a mother who stands on her own. They are about folding socks. And if you safety-pin pairs together before putting them in the washer, you'll never have to waste time matching again.

A vast right-wing conspiracy? I don't know. We'll have to wait to see who tries to mute Hillary.

Mrs. Clinton will, according to family tradition, exploit her Senate seat for all it's worth – no doubt even trying to steal the spotlight from Bush's White House. I wish all the luck to the boys who try to take her down. Like Russell Crowe slashing chained tigers in "Gladiator," it will be gleefully sadistic to watch Hill go in for the kill and swat away flies with her tail.

But one noisy Hillary isn't a problem if you can keep other women out of politics. Florida Secretary of State Katherine "Carmen Miranda" Harris has left even skirt-chasing Dems with their pants up. The citrus heiress single-handedly showed the world what would happen if we lived in that fantasy parallel universe where women are in charge.

Women would be in a position to make decisions on things, like, really big missiles, only to bat their eyelashes, wiggle their grapefruits, succumb to pressure and whole-heartedly screw everything up.

Here in Michigan, Debbie Stabenow's surprise squashing of the mitten's No. 2 scary, fat Republican man, Spence Abraham, lead to a notable amount of national attention.

The GOP soothed its collective ego and downed the Amazon rah-rah with some good- ol'-boy nah-nah, giving Abraham the nod for secretary of Energy (painted to be a much better gig than being senator). Abraham was a remarkably stellar choice, seeing how he had previously called for the dismantling of the department. His appointment has nothing to do with getting beaten by a girl.

Mrs. Bush has made it clear she is not interested in politics or media publicity, but I give her to the end of the first 100 days before she caves on that one.

Miss America needs to present a platform before the evening gown competition; in presidential term time, that means Laura's going to need Something She Really Believes In by spring.

As long as it doesn't take too much time away from the kids.