Reality's Hall of Fame

by Tim Pappa
Staff Writer

Hello folks, I'm here with my co-host, Joe, and we're about to kick off John Doe's prison sentence. What a term it will be! Isn't that right, Joe?

Sure is, Tim. Doe has been, to say the least, phenomenal in his last couple of probations. And how can anyone forget the 96-97 release for five months when he capped off one assault and battery with two bank robberies, all in one day?

John Doe is truly amazing. It's only right that he should take his place among the other immortals of his sport and become enshrined forever. It looks as if we are about to start. Here he comes now. Just listen to that crowd, Joe; they can't wait to welcome him. He's about to be announced.

"Weighing 235 pounds and standing 6 feet 4 inches, and starting a life sentence in prison, is John Dooooeeeeeeeeeee. He currently holds the record for the longest police chase and the highest number of reported rape cases. Just this past season, John reached No. 3 on the all-time record of illegal drug possessions, passing his predecessor by a mile. Once again, John Doe!"

Wow, Joe, it truly is great to be here for Doe's induction. Here he comes now, down a row of his fellow teammates who seem to be chiding him by hitting and spitting on him. Ha Ha! I'm sure it's all in good fun. Believe me, folks, don't let those chains around John Doe's feet fool you. This man is ecstatic to be receiving such an honor.

That's true, Tim. I talked to John just before the show and he told me just how lucky and blessed he feels, and that he's overwhelmingly grateful that his fans are giving him back the same sentiments he gave them for so many wonderful seasons.

He says it well, Joe, doesn't he? So many kids out there watching at home must be gazing at Doe in some kind of trance, because I can't keep my eyes off the man either. He seems to be sporting some kind of new style nowadays though, huh, Joe?

Ha ha ha. Yes he does, Tim, to say the least. Well, you know these athletes. They have to be number one in the game and number one on the catwalk as well. To tell you the truth, I think those black and white stripes might be growing on me.

Joe, you can't help but credit some of Doe's career to his former teammate, the man sharing the cell with him now. He has quite a track record as well. Two counts of prostitution, one charge of sexual battery, three counts of public exposure and, his career capper, one conviction of first-degree murder. If their stats don't bring them together, there must be something else. Just look at the way they embrace each other, like they've been old pals for years.

With all this excitement, Joe, we can't help but find a tear forming on the edge of our eyes. This marks the end of a man's career. And he's not just any man – he's someone who has done so much for all of us. We can only be thankful.

May his transgressions against society never be forgotten. We might have many heroes in everyday life, and thankfully so, but it's only every so often we find a saint among us, a superhero to kids everywhere and the guy next door to all of us adults who can share so many vicarious moments. Enjoy your life in prison, John Doe. Oh, and congratulations on your NFL career as well.

- Pappa is a freshman. Send him an e-mail at timmyp1027@hotmail.com.