Waste of Ink

Oscars: Maybe not so beautiful

I believe it was Lester Burnham of ••American Beauty•• who said it best: "Look at me. Jerking off in the shower. This will be the highlight of my day." Yep, this pretty much sums up this year's Academy Awards. Hollywood's big chance to stroke its ego has come and gone.

Oscar night is the one evening of the year when we get to be reminded that celebrities are infinitely more important to the world than you or I. Why, I can't even remember the last time someone came up to me outside of Taco Bell and asked, "Who are you wearing?"

But the Oscars are about more than watching beautiful actresses strutting around with fake boobs and enough jewelry around their necks to raise several thousand children above the poverty level. It's about recognizing the films that made the greatest artistic achievement. Or at least the ones that had enough money behind them to get noticed.

Every year there are several inexplicable omissions in the Oscar nominations. The most glaring example in this year's crop had to be the lack of nomination for ••Star Wars'•• Jar Jar Binks. This is nothing more than another example of the Academy's constant shunning of floppy-eared computer generated aliens based on racial stereotypes.

Adam Sandler was denied a nomination for ••Big Daddy••, undoubtedly his most emotionally wrenching role since ••Happy Gilmore••. Heather Donahue's moving and snot-filled performance in the ••Blair Witch Project•• was also snubbed. And the controversial subject matter of ••Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo•• might have cost it the Best Picture statue.

Oscar fashion always receives a lot of attention, but for some reason the focus is always on the ladies. Supporting Actress winner Angelina Jolie turned heads with her uncanny resemblance to Wednesday Addams. Other standouts include Cameron Diaz's breasts, which oddly were not nominated for Best Actress in a Supporting Role.

However this was also an exciting year for Oscar fashion among the males in attendance. Oscar host Billy Crystal wore a black tuxedo. Best Actor nominee Denzel Washington wore a black tuxedo. Nominee Haley Joel Osment of ••The Sixth Sense•• wore a tiny black tuxedo.

But the winners of the Oscar fashion crown are South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who dazzled the paparazzi with their style and charm. Stone was ravishing in the pink vintage dress Gwyneth Paltrow made famous last year, while Parker was feisty and sexy in the cut-down-to-you-know-where emerald gown last worn by Jennifer Lopez.

Of course, the most important part of the evening was the awards themselves. Oscar night was predicted to be an exciting horse race between the two most nominated films, ••American Beauty•• and ••The Cider House Rules••.

There were other notable films that didn't receive as many nominations, but I won't try to force my opinions down your throat (ahem, ••Fight Club, Eyes Wide Shut, Magnolia, The Straight Story, Being John Malkovich••).

My friend went to see ••The Cider House Rules•• because he thought it would be an insightful look into fraternity life. It is actually about ether sniffing or abortion or some other important social issue. I'm not really sure, but I came out of the film wishing for some ether of my own.

••American Beauty•• was a classic feel-good flick about a middle-aged loser with pedophilic fantasies, his adulterous money-hungry wife, his angst-filled eye-rolling daughter and her pot dealing philosopher boyfriend. Just the sort of film the Academy loves, in other words. As you probably know, it won a buttload of awards including Best Picture.

Sure, I saw ••American Beauty•• six times and cried six times for at least six different reasons. Sure, it helped me through a difficult time in my life and reaffirmed the existence of beauty underneath the apparent ugliness of the world. Sure, it affected me in ways that I didn't think a piece of celluloid could. It was my favorite film, but was it the best?

Art is subjective. The same movie can mean vastly different things to different people. Art can't be judged in terms of this being better than that. It has to do with how it makes people feel, what it makes them think.

So give yourself a break and enjoy a good film this week. Screw the Academy. It doesn't matter if you know every camera shot in ••Citizen Kane•• by heart or if you can't wait to see that rumored remake of ••Dirty Dancing•• starring Britney Spears and Ricky Martin. Just go and get a movie you like and enjoy yourself.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a shower.

••Keefe, who is more than willing to sell all his lofty ideals (and his soul) for a screenplay deal, can be reached for comment at duckbill@frognet.net. Waste of Ink appears on Thursdays.••