The 42 HoliDayz of Winter break

by THE POST Entertainment Staff

Caution: Some holidays aren't meant for everyone. Some aren't even real.

NOVEMBER:

22. Yes Mom, I Learned How to Use the Washing Machine day.

23. Thanksgiving Day: Eat up, get fat. Feel bad, throw up.

24. I Told Myself I Wouldn't Work Another Day of Retail day: "Welcome to Old Navy, solid-colored turtlenecks are buy two, get one free!"

25. Oh My God! I Left the _____ On! day: Take a deep breath and calm down. We're sure the fire in your Athens home will fizzle out before it reaches your room upstairs. You hated your roommate's collection of Yanni CDs and leopard-print bed sheets anyway. But the real question is: Did you remember to close the garage door?

26. Anniversary of the Death of President Ahmed Abdallah of Comoros: The death of the leader of three islands off the coast of Madagascar was seen as a logical outcome of the tense political situation following his self-appointment as head of state for life. Celebrate - somehow?

27. Pepto Bismol is My Friend day: Lingering Thanksgiving leftovers continue to cause heartburn, but it gets worse. What other time of year does dinner consist of turkey tacos with cranberry salsa?

28. A little TLC day: Now that you've quit Old Navy, (OK, you were fired because the manager remembers when you stood him up in 10th grade), allow your unemployed self to be sucked in by the daytime lineup of realistic programming. **A Wedding Story**, **A Makeover Story**, **A Dating Story**, **A Baby Story**...your heart will be warmed.

29. Eat, Drink and Be Merry day: Experience Britain's largest food and drink show by having some food and drink of your own today. It lasts 'til Dec. 3, so don't be afraid to pig out!

30. You Gotta Fight, for Your Right, to PARTY! day: In 1999, this day was declared the Global Day of Action by protest groups. On this day last year, the World Trade Organization met in Seattle and was greeted by hundreds of protestors, some even from Athens, Ohio. Cheer because you live in a free land where citizens are allowed to protest against the government and other organizations.

DECEMBER:

1. Damn, I Miss OU day: This is the first real day of the six-month, I mean week, break in which you really begin to miss your amigos and the life you live in Athens. Let's be honest, what part-time work schedule can compete with drink, eat, study, drink, eat, sleep?

2. Adjust to Real Food day: No more Velveeta and Cheese and Ramen Noodles.

3. Discover a Member of Your Graduating Class is Pregnant day: She isn't just gaining weight.

4. Get Over Finding Out Your Ex-Boyfriend is Gay day: Self-explanatory.

5. The Electoral Votes for Florida are Finally In! day: That's what happens when you've got 3 million senior citizens counting 5 billion votes.

6. Play Video Games with Your Sibling day: It happens. You feel a bit under the weather and can't seem to make it to your mindless Honey Baked Ham job. No, actually you would prefer a day of mindless video games with your sibling(s) instead.

7. 1941 Bombing of Pearl Harbor day: Newspaper The Onion's headline reads, "Dastardly Japanese attack colonially-occupied U.S. non-state." It was day that will live in infamy... or something like that.

AND

"Postie" Wedding: Another One Bites The Dust day: Post reporter Eric Schwartzberg and Kricket Smith tie the knot. Drink a glass of Manischewitz.

8. International Lennon is Dead day: On this day in 1980, John Lennon was gunned down in front of the club Dakota in New York City by Mark David Chapman, an obsessed fan. Imagine all the people - not going crazy as obsessed fans, not killing people and finally getting a life.

9. Second Day of the Honeymoon day: Bom-chicka-bom-bom. Get it on to honor the busy newlyweds.

10. Women's Right to Vote day: On this day in 1869, Governor of the Wyoming Territory John Campbell approved the first law in U.S. history that explicitly granted women the right to vote. Too bad some see voting as insignificant nowadays.

11. USSR Dissolves day: On this day in 1991 the Iron Curtain fell, communism virtually died and the Cold War ended. Celebrate this day with a shot of 80-proof vodka. Lord knows that's the only thing that brings Russians happiness right now.

12. Our Lady of Guadalupe day: This day is for the so-called "Patroness of the Americas." Take a moment to reflect on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. You have no idea what this is about, but just try to stay optimistic on this day. Also, be patient with your parents. They don't understand us, but who does?

13. St. Lucia day: This Swedish holiday honors the patron saint of blindness. Elementary schools choose a girl to be Lucia. The honored girl then dresses up in a white gown and wears a crown with battery-operated candles. So grab a tiara, try not to burn off your hair and give your friends a show.

14. Walk Your Houseplant day: Take your fern for a stroll through the neighborhood. When people look at you strangely, just shout: "Your plants don't like you, but that doesn't mean we're all cold-hearted!"

15. Makeshift Gift day: It's that time of year and you feel obligated to get gifts for family and friends, but don't want to shell out the cash. Spend today visiting everyone who needs a gift. Sneak into his or her closet and remove an unused item from the back. Take everything home at the end of the day, wrap your "new" gifts and redistribute them to your friends. Just make sure those unmatched socks are clean!

16. Drive a Chevy to the Levy day: On this day in 1971, Don McLean's 8 minute, 32 second version of "American Pie" was released, making it one of the longest songs with some of the most incredible (and controversial) lyrics to ever hit the pop charts.

17. Do the Wright Thing day: On this day in 1903, The Wright Brothers completed the first pilot controlled flight. And since you no longer have a job, celebrate by taking some time off and hopping a plane to visit your friend who lives farthest away. Don't tell her you're coming, though - that would ruin the fun!

18. Cheers to the Government day: Drink one in mockery of the big guys. On this day in 1917, U.S. Congress passed Amendment XVIII which is the **Prohibition of Alcohol**. Yeah, that worked.

19. BAH-HUMBUG dAY: In 1843, Charles Dickens publishes **A Christmas Carol** in England. Go get "Scrooged."

20. SIT IN FRONT OF THE TUBE AND "VEG" day: On this date in 1938, V.K. Zworykin receives patent on the Iconoscope TV system, thereby creating a new type of vegetables - the couch potato.

21. GRAB A FEW FRIENDS AND SHOOT SOME HOOPS day: On this day in 1891, 18 students at Springfield College played the first basketball game, paving the way for today's overpaid multi-millionaire crybabies of the present-day NBA.

22. Official Stock Up on Booze day: Whether you plan on sedating incoming relatives or helping yourself cope with made-for-television movies and the Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas Special, this is the official day to stock those liquor cabinets.

23. Hook Up With Coworker At the Office X-Mas Party day : Only being a seasonal worker, you may not be remembered for your hard work as a sales associate. But your coworkers will never forget the nearly obscene exploits of the self-proclaimed "Shirt Folding Stud from OU" on that fateful night of the office Christmas party.

24. Contemplate the Capitalization of a Religious Event day: As many scramble to the malls and step over little old ladies to snatch the last Tickle Me Elmo off the shelf, you can ponder big corporations' control over holiday season happiness while sitting cross-legged in your candlelit bedroom and meditating to the soothing sounds of musical philosophers such Art Garfunkel and Cat Stevens.

25. National Pumpkin Pie day: Screw eating turkey and opening presents from unknown relatives . Eat frozen pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving and watch **The Matrix**.

26. DAAAADDDDDYYY - National Whiners day: Perfect for those who didn't get what they wanted for the holidays.

27. THUNK! National Fruitcake day: Do something with your fruitcake today. Use it as a doorstop. Give it to your baby cousin to gnaw on.

28. Too many holidays day.

29. Hong Kong Kills 1.25 Million Chickens day: On this day in 1997, the government ordered that every chicken in the country be killed. Eat beef today.

30. Almost New Year's Eve day: Rest up, crazy kids.

31. Wait, Wait, Wait day: It's the national wait-in-line-until-you-feel-like-puking-all-in-front-of-your-friends day. Along with your resolutions and midnight kisses, the drinks don't last either.

JANUARY:

1- Dead Pigs and Cabbage day: According to Pennsylvania Dutch legend, the same folklore that produced Punxatawny Phil and Groundhog Day, the two were eaten on the first day of the most fruitful year of funnel cake and horseradish production ever.

2. My Calendar's Wrong day: On this day in 1805, Mathias Schembachler discovered that not only was he looking at the Neo-Classical Post-Structural Siberian 60-day calendar for the past 42 days - assuming it was only early December - but he also came to the realization that the school he helped create the past autumn would forever be known for its extreme lull between the first and second quarters, because of his blunder.

3. Oh S#$t. I'm Back at School day.