Slackers seeking shelter can worry no more

by Lindsey McKay

For you lazy slackers who still haven't found housing accommodations for next year, you're not alone; many students are mired in the same stressful predicament.

However, this wave of apathy has spawned a host of creative ideas for alternative means of housing, and you can benefit from others' devious brainstorming.

The most luxurious – and far-fetched – living arrangement definitely is Ping Center. Yes, beating the card-swiping system and dodging security would be tricky, but how cool would it be to live at Ping? With the help of a few friends, it's possible to inhabit the student recreation center without tipping off the employees to your presence, though it may involve hiding in lockers, á la Jerry Steiner in ••Parker Lewis Can't Lose. ••

You can study on the free-weight benches and sleep in the windowless racquetball room, and Ping's restrooms are nicer than any residence hall can boast. And of course, staying in shape would be easy, because – theoretically speaking – you'd have no excuse to avoid working out.

By far, the cheapest and easiest of the alternative living arrangements is the classic cardboard box. Seriously, this option has come up during many dining hall conversations, and it is a provocative one.

Rain poses a problem, but the roofs of most off-campus houses leak anyway, so any discomfort is worth the money saved on rent and utilities. After all, why pay $900 per month for a ramshackle structure in which scary things grow in the bathroom, you can't walk on the carpet barefoot and the kitchen appears to have caught fire at least four times?

And, unlike a house, you can pick up your box home and move it to wherever you want to go.

Some spin-offs from the box theme include lean-tos and tents, which can be strewn across Athens from Boyd Hall to Bob's IGA. If enough people follow suit, campus would soon resemble a Depression-era Hooverville. (And if tuition keeps rising, this might be necessary.)

My favorite idea combines the cardboard and camping ideas: build a giant fort on College Green. And to expand further, one conceivably could erect an immense tree house on the green; but the onslaught of unwanted attention from College Gate solicitors would render that abode annoying.

And for nature lovers, the caves behind Bong Hill provide a lovely hideaway with a breathtaking view. The series of giant rock formations range from cozy one-person shelters to spacious four-person apartments. Their greatest feature is perhaps the abundant storage space provided by built-in shelves and tiny nooks and crevices. (What you choose to hide in those places is up to you.) Also, freedom from obnoxious neighbors and pesky law enforcement officers makes the caves an excellent place to entertain company.

Despite the abundance of superior alternatives, I have succumbed to the irresistible pull of Riverpark Towers, like many other luckless house-hunters. About 50 of my closest friends and I have commandeered a building for next year in the popular development. It's not the lap of luxury, but it's better than a cardboard box.