Dear Alice's Moronic Rejection Letters

By Holly Schreiber
FOR THE POST

Be prepared to open the pages of something very strange.

Steven Ryniak's Dear Alice: Rejected Letters to Advice Columns from Completely Insane Idiots is amusingly ludicrous from the very first page.

Grotesque, perverse and non-sensible, Dear Alice... is the perfect remedy for anyone who believes his or her idiotic nature has no companion. It is also a perfect conversation starter. Most definitely it will amuse a roomful of others.

It is beyond idiotic; it is completely insane.

The pocket book is compiled of letters from "2,000 different advice column rejection piles, from more than 60,000 newspapers worldwide, and after 15 years of back breaking research and development," according to the editors who write on the back covers of books.

With 103 pages of letters addressed to Dear Alice, the book is obsessed with wacky people who are possessed by such things as heavy drugs, fecal matter, elves, dwarves, ewoks and Star Wars.

One such letter was by a man who was fired from his job because he relieved his bowels in the women's restroom - in the sink. Many other letters involved people relieving themselves in conspicuous places, like their friend's roommate's bed, by accident.

Some letters involved crazy people, supposedly educated, making extremely non-educated decisions. One man, who professed to be a firm family man, enjoyed mixing doses of crack cocaine, heroin, acid, PCP, crystal meth, hashish, ecstasy, valium and furniture polish into one ball, and then smoking it. He was also a pilot and pastor.

A husband and wife were trying to stop their 18-year-old son from continuing an affair with a 92-year-old woman who was on a respirator and completely blind. They claimed to have no idea how they could terminate the affair.

Other letters were about eccentric people looking for some very outlandish things. One person wanted to find a device to eliminate the gravity in his apartment. He said he was too heavy and if he could eliminate the gravity, moving around would be much easier. Another person wanted some elves so he could beat their heads in. Someone else wanted the laser sword from Star Wars. Not the toy, but an authentic one.

The letters from wacky, crazy and eccentric people just keep on surmounting in their weirdness.

Ryniak's Dear Alice... is no doubt original and the blueprint of a masterfully creative mind.

Considering its content, a serious cerebral analysis of this book will lead to insanity, constantly asking, "Is this true?" Which of course was the basis of Ryniak's blueprint. Sometimes what appears to be unbelievable and impossible is actually true. Why else would there be a need for Ripley's Believe It or Not?