Sheetless in Southeast Ohio

by Ben Grabow

This is a story about my sheet.

Actually, this is a story about my room. Or, my lack of a room.

You see, I live in a hole. Actually, it's a very nice hole. My friends say I've done a lot with it.

I am one of five roommates in a four-bedroom house. Rather than double up, we decided to convert an upstairs alcove into a bedroom. In my infinite wisdom, I suggested that we do a lottery for the alcove.

I have yet to score a free Super Size from a peel-off cup. I have never won so much as $2 from a scratch-off game. But for once in my life, I managed to win the lottery.

So, back to my sheet. As I lack a fourth wall, my world is open to anyone who cares to walk up the stairs. And there are times when my world is not a very pretty world. So I decided I'd hang a sheet up as a sort of quasi-wall. A comfort wall, if you will.

But this couldn’t be just any sheet. Oh no. If I'm going to live behind a sheet, it's going to be a damn nice sheet.

So, I scoured the Internet. And after countless minutes of searching, I'd found my sheet. It was a Sanganeer print Indian sheet – a veritable tapestry. And with a click of the mouse it was mine.

In theory, that is. You see, that was in July. It's now late October, and I'm still sheetless.

By now, I'm pretty much used to life out in the open. I don't have much to hide. Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm on the cast of °°The Real World, Athens°°. It's not a very popular program.

But whether I'm used to it or not, the principle still remains. I want my sheet. I just need to find out what became of it.

The initial story was that it had been trapped in customs. This, apparently, is the purgatory of Middle-Eastern-made fabrics. I was promised a free gift when it arrived, so I continued to wait patiently. 

Then, sometime this fall, my sheet was finally shipped (thank Shiva). For weeks, I awaited its arrival. But it never came. All I ever got was the occasional National Geographic.

It was shipped. Or so they say. But in light of recent events, I can see why a small package with "PAKISTAN" stamped on it has failed to find its way to Ohio.

So, after more e-mail and telephone negotiations, I've worked out another deal with these online sheet peddlers. Now, I'll be getting TWO sheets for my troubles. That's twice as much wall.

But still, it's been awhile.

Let's put it this way: When I was promised a second sheet, someone put a cucumber in the fridge. Did you know that a cucumber can turn to liquid while maintaining its original cucumber shape? Try it sometime.

In the process of waiting for my Indian tapestry, the purveyors of this Web site have offered me two free gifts with my order, two extra sheets and a gift certificate for the store. Theoretically, these items could all arrive at my house on the same day. In which case, the house could smell like patchouli for a week.  

Still, it's a price I'm willing to pay for some queen-sized privacy.  For now, I'll continue to wait patiently in my hole for a tapestry that may never come —while somewhere on the West coast, a sheet shop laughs smugly at my expense.

– Stop staring at Ben's world and send him an e-mail at Benjamin.Grabow@ohiou.edu