Sports Column

by Bill Bender
Sports Editor

Jerome Bettis knows how to break through tackles. Marshall Faulk can beat a team with slithery moves and fast feet. But only one running back in the history of the NFL has shown the true ability to beat the defense.

For the sake of anonymity, let's call him Nordberg.

Nordberg is the guy that could miss a practice and convince the coach it did not hurt the team. When Nordberg fumbles, it's not his fault, because he's an innocent man. He's the Zack Morris of the football world, and he doesn't need to be saved by the bell.

Nordberg inked his signature into college and pro football folklore, winning a Heisman Trophy and a spot in the Professional Football Hall of Fame. Nordberg's running style entailed simply running past the defenders.

After retiring, however, Nordberg switched from offense to defense. Now he relies on 12 bystanders instead of five offensive linemen. This week Nordberg proved once again that the best defense is a good offense.

If you don't know I'm talking about O.J. Simpson, then you're either one of his sequestered jurors or not a big fan of the Naked Gun movie series.

In the last week, Simpson seems to keep popping up. My roommate unlocked the all-time USC team on PlayStation, and we took turns tearing up the defense with "The Juice." He still has breakaway speed. I posted a message that included a picture of a youthful Simpson in a Buffalo Bills uniform in The Post newsroom to motivate my team for an upcoming intrasquad football game.

Oh yeah, Simpson was acquitted on charges of assaulting a man in a traffic dispute Wednesday. I'm not questioning Simpson's guilt or innocence, but I do consider him a role model.

Whether it's blazing down the sideline for the Bills or ripping the glasses off someone's face on a Miami highway, Simpson has lived by a virtue that all Americans should live by – always take what they give you.

So live life with a Han Solo philosophy and say it's not your fault. Swing a three-iron at that guy who ditched your foursome on the golf course. Bump into those idiot Saab drivers that cut in front of you on Route 33. And to the Ohio offensive line, find a technique to hold the Kent State Golden Flashes defensive linemen without getting caught.

But if the doorman at The CI spots your fake and the feds cuff you, remember to act cool. Wear a nice suit and tie. Gaze at the jury with puppy-dog eyes. And always smile confidently for the court. It has worked for "The Juice" so many times it's unbeatable, right?

Well, almost right. You just need a few minimum requirements. Make sure you have rushed for 2,000 yards in the NFL at least once. Your resume also should include at least two cameo movie appearances, preferably alongside Leslie Nielsen or in a towering inferno. The occasional appearance in the Hertz rental car commercials also looks good in the court of law.

I'm not saying the court is doing any favors, and I want to praise Simpson's contributions to society. He's one of the top five NFL running backs ever to step on the field. He gave us the "Absolutely 100% not guilty" motto that hangs on my bedroom wall. But most importantly, he helped Frank Drebin save the Queen of England in arguably the funniest movie of all time.