Between the Sheets

by Brynn Burton

I figured since I covered the sexual quirks of females last week, this week I should examine the quirks of our darling males. You can interpret “quirks” as “those embarrassing times when things don’t operate up to par.”

Again, my favorite line is “we all have been there.” Ladies have either been with the two-hump chump — as he is commonly referred, and the name is self-explanatory — or the marathon man. The marathon man situation can easily be described as those times when you are with him, but the experience is only halfway through and you already are more than an hour into it. You know, those times when you find yourself wanting to scream ••“Enough already!”••

Let’s rake each end of the spectrum, because much like the queef, each of these mishaps is unpreventable, creates awkward moments and harms self-esteem.

I have two stories of THC (two-hump chump) encounters. One involves me. The other is a legend of a notorious THC that friends pass around for an easy laugh.

Freshman year I was seeing someone. And it never failed that at about two minutes — I swear — into anything, oral or regular, he blew his wad. The first time I thought “Hmm. Maybe he is just ••really•• attracted to me?” That probably wasn’t the case, but I liked to think that I had something to do with his misfortune (primarily to boost my own ego). Actually most gals out there — when in a similar situation — are clueless about the malfunctions of the male body. So the majority of us generally think, or like to think, that when our guy spills his milk it is because of our captivating beauty.

Moving on… the incident happened repeatedly and I guess I accepted it for some time; eventually he was able to hold on a little longer and eventually the relationship ended. A year later, the following September, I ran into my THC and we decided to have a reunion, needless to say, commercials last longer than our reunion did.

The second THC story involves my friend. We’ll call her “Allison.”

Freshman year, “Allison” was into some heavy petting with some chap — we will call him “Steve” — and I guess he couldn’t control himself and lost it. All over her stomach.

A year later, this chronic loose goose was again into some heavy petting with another of my friends and he lost it all over her new panties.

My friends tell the tale at all social functions because, when whipped out, it can guarantee many laughs to those who know the THC.

Now to the left wing of the “oops spectrum.” What about those studs out there whose stamina can run circles around us ladies?

This is just as frustrating of a situation as the THC because it can get to the point with the marathon man where you give up on all performance, say “The hell with this,” and think about what you have to do tomorrow or what you are going to write your next midterm paper on.

Now, it has been said among the sexes that the more staying power a man has the better, but what happens when he has way too much power and the girl wants to scream at him, “What is wrong with you — let’s go already.”

This is a case when the fun can turn annoying and sex turns into a job. But what can you do-it isn’t his fault and it isn’t yours. Like the queef (which really doesn’t prohibit sex) it is out of a dude’s hands when he is a THC or a marathon man.

I am — and I’m sure many others are — puzzled that these men are still out there living and spilling. So I am asking all men— why are some so weak and some so strong? I want to open this up for any one who has solutions. It is safe to assume that queefing can be traced back to air — one if not the most abundant source on earth — so we blame air as the reason for queefing. But who or what do we blame for penile problems?

— Burton is a junior journalism major who really would like to know what makes guys go long and strong or quick and slick. Send her an e-mail at babshop@aol.com.