Four-foot man, six-feet under

by Bill Bender

Why would anyone care about a beer guzzling, foul-mouthed, unattractive slob passing away?

Because he was four-foot tall. Hank Nasiff Jr., better known as "Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf," died Sept.4. Details of his death were undisclosed, but anyone who watched Hank on the Howard Stern Show knows why he died, and unfortunately, we laughed at it.

I'll be the first one to admit that I loved watching Hank on television. The first episode where Hank appeared with a blood alcohol level near the ceiling and dressed in a pink bunny costume was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

There would be more hysterical moments. Hank in a Superman costume. Hank locked up in a trunk. Hank passed out during a carriage ride through Central Park with a prostitute. Hank babbling nonsensical obscenities at another dwarf named Beetlejuice.

I'm guilty of laughing too, but somewhere a line had to be drawn. On Nov. 16, 2000 Hank suffered a seizure in Los Angeles during an appearance in a bar. This scene was not shown on Stern. Go figure.

The truth is the Howard Stern Show used Hank shamelessly like it does so many other people. Stern could have helped Nasiff fight his alcoholism instead of watching him down a quart of vodka and Sprite on the show in every appearance. Stern successfully exploited a dwarf with a serious alcohol problem and made it a cult phenomenon.

But Stern isn't solely responsible. We laugh at the Gary the Retards, Crackhead Bobs and of course, the angry drunken dwarf. Viewers wanted to see Hank slobber on a stripper or dress in a Leprechaun costume. It's funny, right?

When I heard Hank died, I felt upset, but for all the wrong reasons. It was like those times when I learned Reggie White retired or Seinfeld was cancelled. We lost an entertainer.

Now Hank will become an icon. The next Chris Farley or John Belushi, each of whom is honored in death after overdosing on drugs. That's fantastic.

Now students will drink to the memory of the deceased dwarf and posters should soon adorn the walls of dorm rooms nationwide. While Hank fans in many ways fueled the alcoholic fire within Hank, it is not completely their fault either.

Hank killed himself. Every alcoholic is fighting a war, and Hank lost by choice. I find nothing funny about a person withering away because of a bout with alcohol, much less doing it on a national radio show.

A dwarf is already fighting an uphill battle; drinking to excess probably won't help matters. Alcoholism is a controllable disease, no matter what excuse one can conjure up for drinking away their life, and I've heard them all. I lost my job. I am divorced. It's in my genes. I'm four feet tall.

That's junk. While alcoholism is certainly a disease, those with the disease need to recognize the problem and seek help. Staying sober simply requires emotional and mental strength and an attitude that says, "I'm better than that." Hank obviously did not have any fortitude; he hid behind the shadow of the celebrity that he had become.

Ultimately, everyone's to blame for the death of the beloved dwarf with the blabbermouth. A man's life was sacrificed so people could hear a dwarf jump off the Empire State Building and die.

Well, it turns out that Hank jumped off the building, but everyone else was laughing the whole way down.